GOOPED: A Reblog Of My First Post

I love Gwyneth Paltrow.  After watching Emma , I felt like we were soul sisters. After watching her play Sylvia Plath in Sylvia , I knew we were.  I was legit fan girling over GP.

black haired woman singing

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I really didn’t care that she was a little ( ok ,a lot ) pretentious and said things that irritated some people. Ok … MOST people When you name your kids Apple and Moses, you can do whatever you want.

And she made divorce sound beautiful, perfect and not tragic – and not like divorce.

She called her and Chris Martin’s parting an “conscious uncoupling” … how absolutely gorgeous is that ?

Soooooo, evidently I’m a little bit of a hipster so I started reading about living clean and how GP changed her life with it.

Then I saw this .

attractive beautiful girl hipsterPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was intrigued by the title of this book.

(Spoiler Alert : She’s lying)

It’s exhausting , cumbersome and inconvenient. And …… it’s s ridiculous. Why can’t I have a little sugar? What’s wrong with my my diet? It’s perfect! I don’t eat sugar , but I want candy !!! Unlike Marie Antoinette, let ME eat cake!

chocolate cake with white icing and strawberry on top with chocolate

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I quickly became addicted to the thought of eating “clean” . But just the thought.

Doing it was hard. It mean’t dedication. And only included only unprocessed, organic food . I won’t lie. At first , I hated it. By the third week, I was gleefully eating kelp noodles and wheat grass and drinking Mamma Chia.

girl holding yoghurt

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I felt better. I lost weight. I stopped taking antidepressants.* I started exercises for lymphatic drainage , detox baths, doing cleanses, infrared sauna, hydrotherapy. Anything to clear those toxins out. Because they are everywhere !

board brown daylight destination

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Then I had a meltdown. Seriously.That’s me. A mess. Not even a hot one.  My mom even thought I was a little crazy. My friends avoided me .  I wasn’t much fun to anyone. All I wanted to talk about was how your diet can cure virtually every illness in the book.  Alkaline and anti -inflammatory foods became my sole topic of discussion.I didn’t leave the house. I just read about my toxic life. It only got worse. Turns out, I was only living a lie. Because then, Gwyneth announced that I had missed something.

This was worse than I had imagined . My yoni wasn’t even safe. Wait, my what ? Why does it need to be steamed? That doesn’t sound like something I would ever do. But then I read the article and it weirdly made sense. I thought to myself “where would you find a place that does this ?”

I didn’t need to worry , they were everywhere. Just like toxins. Lurking , waiting, stalking , just biding their time until your adrenals were burnt out and your precious lymphs were congested with poison.Then bam! You were fat, sick and miserable with only big Pharma as your friend.

Thankfully, I found a YouTube tutorial on how to do it yourself -WHAT ?!?!!

No, I haven’t done it.

I’m not crazy.

But then I saw the one on jade eggs.

For real.

OMFG …..I didn’t watch either of these because I can’t even follow the makeup tutorials. I mean I can’t even come close to contouring …how could I steam my own vagina or stick dino eggs up there?!???!I can’t even.

I needed a break. Something was amiss.

I needed psychological help. So did my family.

I’m going to have a drink and a cigarette like my queen Gwenyth does, ponder life and write poetry.No wonder I love her.

Celebrities… they are just like us !!!!!

*Do not follow my advice. NEVER do what I did.You should never stop taking medication abruptly and without medical advice.

Basic AF Gardening Tips

It was 101 today in Texas today and the perfect weather for heat stroke gardening. I’m kidding, normally sane people in the world really don’t want to die for that flower bed . I just wanted to say thank you for the memories and don’t my roses look lovely.

Today was the hottest day we’ve seen so far so it seemed like a good morning to be dehydrated, cranky and grumpy with the heat tolerant flowers I picked up . I skipped over some at Walmart that said heat resistant and were also dead . I’m needing some really heat and water resistant varieties.

Like cactus but prettier. This is why I’m not going into botany as a second career . I guess I’ll just pray that they live because my husband wasn’t pleased that I spent money to kill them . It just didn’t make good economic sense but it looks pretty. For now . I’m doing a lot more research on the planting of flowers and I know that good soil makes flowers happy. I spent the whole morning at the task of making the happiest of lovelies to the best of my abilities. I sang to them off key broadway and a little opera . Then I mixed up some compost that I mixed in with the soil and I smelled like manure . I don’t know what I was thinking but I’m all about optimism and I was sure I would be done before it the next asteroid risk . I didn’t think I was going to be a great grandmother and halfway in my own hole before I was done . Morning came then went and I had to take a shower to go to Walmart and get more manure and 3 bags of mulch . What kind of mulch do you want ? Are you kidding me ? Just the regular one. 3 bags of red mulch isn’t a huge deal but it was heavy . I almost forgot to get my fungicide but I’m not going to forget about mulch .

Everyone knows that you dig a hole and put the plant in . I’m not sure what I was thinking but I didn’t know that meant to get dirty . The front flower beds are a weird clay mix with small trees that don’t belong there so I had to dig my ass off . Until I got mad at what point ,I just ignore them . I bought a big trowel with a long handle and it was so hard to find a good excuse to be doing this for the sake of humanity . I mean I was planting flowers not on naked and afraid . Should’ve done that before it was 120 not at the hottest part of this beautiful Saturday .

So hours later many curses and a slight sunburn, I am so pleased with my hard work that I can’t wait to tell people. I guess no one is that impressed. Either that or it looks like crap . I’m going with it’s beautiful and I’m so sorry you didn’t know that I had a pain in my back from digging, hoeing and planting the happy new things I think are the most amazing things I have ever seen . You just suck so I wouldn’t expect a standing ovation .

I’m really ,really impressed with my flower bed and I am determined not to kill it . Maybe . So far I have told my husband, mother ,daughter ,father in law and my dog . None of them are doing backflips.

I have one friend that said it is pretty. My husband said “you forgot 2 “. Because I’m not really sure how to make it to next week without his cuteness and sarcasm.

I had to have a break because too much greatness is not attractive and I don’t want others to be envious that I am just so perfect at everything .

Watched some YouTube tutorials on golf and makeup. Decided I wanted to have my highlights and brows done before I could proceed . I’m not going to lie but I’m looking on fleek while finishing this mess . Highly recommended for the next time you get the urge to sunstroke in the garden . You want to look hot when you get to the

hospital don’t you? I do . I’m sorry but I’m going to make sure I get mouth to mouth , if he’s cute . If not then I’ll just die and wait for a cute one . I’m not wasting time in my life but I’m just wondering if cute girls get rescued faster ? I want to know.

I’m going to go with something my grandfather used to tell me . Red lips and a pretty face is the best way to get what you want. Not really in so many words but he liked red lipstick and there was never a time that he didn’t find it suitable . Please do cpr , I have red lipstick on . It’s not really a gardening thing but I’m going to be a bit of a stepford wife and pretend that I’m one of those who can’t leave the house without my makeup and hair fixed . That’s a lie. I really doubt that you are going to come over just to see it happen ? Do I or don’t I ? Stay tuned and maybe we will discuss it .

Meanwhile I am not doing makeup tutorials right nor because I’m blogging and now I’m going to get through the next few weeks so I don’t have to go back to Walmart for more flowers because I’m pretty sure that they like Lana del Rey and I have had a great time coaxing them to grow .

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend and please don’t let anyone drink and drive . No distractions while driving are worth getting a citation or something even worse like causing you or another’s death .I’m not going to say anything more about it but that . Please don’t do it .

So,grass seed seems easy enough . Evidently not going to work until I can hire a few midgets to the weeds out of my hardcore ugly yard . Then I have to till it up and then put grass seed down . I skipped the first two and it didn’t seem to matter . Of course there isn’t any grass growing either. So there’s that . I’m doing two out of four steps do you think I have any more time to do the first two ? I’m sorry but no . I am an American who is used to instant gratification. Viva la resistance , communists and imperialism are not the way of the capitalists . I’m not going to keep it as a hobby but I’m sure it’s a lot of fun to do that peasant thing called lawn work . I’m impressed by how you are not going to let me stop you from enjoying anaphylactic shock from stinging things and fire ants . I am just wondering if you are still outside with the elements that make naked and afraid seem like a picnic .

Moreover , my flowers look alive and they were not really sure how much longer they had to live but I didn’t want to disappoint them.

so shush …..

Basic AF Baking 101

I’m not exactly what you would call Betty Crocker or even Martha Stewart- before or after her prison stint (or friendship with Snoop. )

It’s just not my thing . I guess it’s not a big deal that I’m not- until it’s time to do it. Why do I always volunteer for things that I suck at ? It’s my nature to try to be good at something that I haven’t had a lot of success at . It’s the same reason people go on American Idol . Someone lied to them when they were young and said they were going to be star someday. Or like me ,they like pain and decided making a three tiered chocolate cake with bacon icing in the shape of the Eiffel Tower was a good idea. Thanks YouTube and Pinterest. I blame you for almost everything I’ve ever tried to do and failed.

 I have none of these things as motivation . In my defense, I have a good heart and a lot of pride. And not enough sense to say no . I’m not going to admit that I don’t bake . I don’t know if this is hubris or stupidity . Baking cookies isn’t rocket science but who has time for that. And who doesn’t want to be the envy of the Pinterest world. It is really a great time to be alive when you are creative. And if you aren’t creative, it’s still okay. You are the only person who knows that you didn’t really make that.

I pick the hardest things to bake and I have the loftiest goals for my Instagram worthy efforts . It’s like I don’t remember the last time I was feeling like making desserts my bitch, and had a good meltdown -causing me run to the neighborhood bakery (because I don’t have a problem with wasting time and money for my own sanity.)

I am going to be Martha Stewart for one day , only cooler . Like Gwyneth if she actually ate food with calories. Watch out foodies , this is how it’s done .

Five minutes in and I’m out of patience and wine . Time for plan B . You may call it deception but in my book it’s called ingenious and a sanity saver.

It’s also not my problem that you think it tastes like Sara Lee was here .

Here’s my secret to making you look , feel and be a baking diva .

  1. First , scribble out the name on the bakery box and then burn the packaging evidence. This is just an extra precaution in case you have guests that like to dig in your trash.

  2. A little repackaging in a eco -friendly box with a cute label and a big bow – that you just happened to make in your free time, because you are perfect should seal the deal .

If you want to go the distance and make it seem like you started your own bakery then you can add this last step.

3. No one can bake like Granny , so pick a random name that sounds sweet like Lou and you have “Granny Lou’s Famous Crap Cakes” . They are going to sell like crazy . It’s the science of capitalism and the American way.

Is this cheating or ingenuity? Who’s the real winner when you have a splendid chocolate cream pie that you can serve your guests with a smile? And then laugh (because you are such a perfect specimen of your sex )that you were getting a facial while the bakery did the work .

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be a queen at all things . I guess I don’t care if I’m basic af . It’s a really good time to embrace it. I have been a lot of things but I’m not afraid to be the face of the sum of my faults. Who else is going to care if your eyebrows look like you are going through a lot more than a few bad choices ? Nobody , that’s who.

Minor Annoyances, Part One

We all know that one person (or two, three or twenty ) that no matter what you have done, their response to your impressiveness is similar to this:
f (x) = 2x

Yes, I’m talking about that very special cupcake of a person who is basically an expert in absolutely everything from tying shoelaces to quantum physics to string theory .
That special cupcake that I’m wasting your time over is sooo over the top of STFU already that I had to come up with a new name nickname for this wanna -be Sheldon Cooper.
I call him EGB, short for “Exponentially Growing Bore.”

I have developed a face I like to use for these embellishing creatures of perfection. This is it.
See how subtle it is? Everyone is fooled by my feigned attentiveness.
I look just a blank space- like the song.
Eye roll.
While my four stomachs are digesting this huge pile of dung, it is really reaching a level of extra that surpasses even the last time I heard how great the EGB is. In brief, my sweet adoring husband is telling his friends about my blog and before I could receive the accolades I so deserve , the EGB nods solemnly and says “I write prose poetry and have been published several times .”

Now before everyone just assumes it is on the prison walls, it is actually in some poetry collection says the great EGB.
This is new since none of us have ever heard that one before but it shouldn’t have been . The EGB is known for his “anything you can do I can do better” persona.
My jealousy is reaching fever pitch. I am literally selling my soul to get followers and the “imma poet and bet you didn’t know it “is busting out the paper walls with his mad skills. While I am sure that some people just have to steal the limelight, I hope some of his fish tales are true. I like poetry.
In the next installment, we will hear about the perfect family and why yours obviously sucks and will never be as great as the powerful OZ . (I mean the EGB of course.)

Flash Fiction Challenge

Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writer
“I hate cats. Cats hate me. Everyone knows it. It’s the commonest of all knowledge. “
“That’s not a word- commonist.”
“It is now and stop trying to change the subject when you know what I’m talking about. “
I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about, however.
There was no cat in the car.
I decided that since she was already furious that silence was my best recourse. Not that it would help, she was screaming now.
The radio …just turn it up. Louder and louder. Drown the noise out.
The screaming got louder, too.
“Why are you doing that ?”
“What ?”
“You know what… I’m going crazy with all this noise. I hate country music. You know that. “
“Oh, this is a cat-catastrophe.”
“Shut up, you are going to be the death of me. Is that what the plan is ?”
I kept ignoring her, she was crazy and I didn’t want to deal with her right now – her cat hallucinations were something I didn’t want to deal with either.
Something licked my ear. Great, I’m losing it too, I thought. What was that purring noise?
And then you guessed it- it scared the “what the hell is a cat doing in the car !”
Because there most certainly was a cat the car – in my lap to be exact and I slammed on the brakes so fast a flash of fur was the last thing I saw before waking up in the ER.
And that was the day that went down in history as the day that smelled like cat urine and bad decisions.

New Reads

While I am a voracious reader, I’m also repetitive. I have a quite a few favorite books and I like to reread them . It makes it hard to discover new ones when you are reading “Dracula” for the literal 100th time .

So I was quite pleased with myself when I actually read 3 new books this last week . Yes, week . I’m a fast reader and when I get into a book, I’ll stay up all night to finish it . They were not my typical read – any of them and not likely to make my favorites list but they were well worth it .

The reason it was an event worth mentioning is because I haven’t been able to read lately, which had me feeling lost . So , I hope that the spell is broken and I can continue on my quest to conquer the list of at least 10,000 books I want to read in this lifetime.

There are just so many books. I’m blown away by how many classics that I have left untouched. Am I the only person who has a list of the books that they want to read ?