GOOPED: A Reblog Of My First Post

I love Gwyneth Paltrow.  After watching Emma , I felt like we were soul sisters. After watching her play Sylvia Plath in Sylvia , I knew we were.  I was legit fan girling over GP.

black haired woman singing

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I really didn’t care that she was a little ( ok ,a lot ) pretentious and said things that irritated some people. Ok … MOST people When you name your kids Apple and Moses, you can do whatever you want.

And she made divorce sound beautiful, perfect and not tragic – and not like divorce.

She called her and Chris Martin’s parting an “conscious uncoupling” … how absolutely gorgeous is that ?

Soooooo, evidently I’m a little bit of a hipster so I started reading about living clean and how GP changed her life with it.

Then I saw this .

attractive beautiful girl hipsterPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was intrigued by the title of this book.

(Spoiler Alert : She’s lying)

It’s exhausting , cumbersome and inconvenient. And …… it’s s ridiculous. Why can’t I have a little sugar? What’s wrong with my my diet? It’s perfect! I don’t eat sugar , but I want candy !!! Unlike Marie Antoinette, let ME eat cake!

chocolate cake with white icing and strawberry on top with chocolate

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I quickly became addicted to the thought of eating “clean” . But just the thought.

Doing it was hard. It mean’t dedication. And only included only unprocessed, organic food . I won’t lie. At first , I hated it. By the third week, I was gleefully eating kelp noodles and wheat grass and drinking Mamma Chia.

girl holding yoghurt

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

I felt better. I lost weight. I stopped taking antidepressants.* I started exercises for lymphatic drainage , detox baths, doing cleanses, infrared sauna, hydrotherapy. Anything to clear those toxins out. Because they are everywhere !

board brown daylight destination

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Then I had a meltdown. Seriously.That’s me. A mess. Not even a hot one.  My mom even thought I was a little crazy. My friends avoided me .  I wasn’t much fun to anyone. All I wanted to talk about was how your diet can cure virtually every illness in the book.  Alkaline and anti -inflammatory foods became my sole topic of discussion.I didn’t leave the house. I just read about my toxic life. It only got worse. Turns out, I was only living a lie. Because then, Gwyneth announced that I had missed something.

This was worse than I had imagined . My yoni wasn’t even safe. Wait, my what ? Why does it need to be steamed? That doesn’t sound like something I would ever do. But then I read the article and it weirdly made sense. I thought to myself “where would you find a place that does this ?”

I didn’t need to worry , they were everywhere. Just like toxins. Lurking , waiting, stalking , just biding their time until your adrenals were burnt out and your precious lymphs were congested with poison.Then bam! You were fat, sick and miserable with only big Pharma as your friend.

Thankfully, I found a YouTube tutorial on how to do it yourself -WHAT ?!?!!

No, I haven’t done it.

I’m not crazy.

But then I saw the one on jade eggs.

For real.

OMFG …..I didn’t watch either of these because I can’t even follow the makeup tutorials. I mean I can’t even come close to contouring …how could I steam my own vagina or stick dino eggs up there?!???!I can’t even.

I needed a break. Something was amiss.

I needed psychological help. So did my family.

I’m going to have a drink and a cigarette like my queen Gwenyth does, ponder life and write poetry.No wonder I love her.

Celebrities… they are just like us !!!!!

*Do not follow my advice. NEVER do what I did.You should never stop taking medication abruptly and without medical advice.

Basic AF Baking 101

I’m not exactly what you would call Betty Crocker or even Martha Stewart- before or after her prison stint (or friendship with Snoop. )

It’s just not my thing . I guess it’s not a big deal that I’m not- until it’s time to do it. Why do I always volunteer for things that I suck at ? It’s my nature to try to be good at something that I haven’t had a lot of success at . It’s the same reason people go on American Idol . Someone lied to them when they were young and said they were going to be star someday. Or like me ,they like pain and decided making a three tiered chocolate cake with bacon icing in the shape of the Eiffel Tower was a good idea. Thanks YouTube and Pinterest. I blame you for almost everything I’ve ever tried to do and failed.

 I have none of these things as motivation . In my defense, I have a good heart and a lot of pride. And not enough sense to say no . I’m not going to admit that I don’t bake . I don’t know if this is hubris or stupidity . Baking cookies isn’t rocket science but who has time for that. And who doesn’t want to be the envy of the Pinterest world. It is really a great time to be alive when you are creative. And if you aren’t creative, it’s still okay. You are the only person who knows that you didn’t really make that.

I pick the hardest things to bake and I have the loftiest goals for my Instagram worthy efforts . It’s like I don’t remember the last time I was feeling like making desserts my bitch, and had a good meltdown -causing me run to the neighborhood bakery (because I don’t have a problem with wasting time and money for my own sanity.)

I am going to be Martha Stewart for one day , only cooler . Like Gwyneth if she actually ate food with calories. Watch out foodies , this is how it’s done .

Five minutes in and I’m out of patience and wine . Time for plan B . You may call it deception but in my book it’s called ingenious and a sanity saver.

It’s also not my problem that you think it tastes like Sara Lee was here .

Here’s my secret to making you look , feel and be a baking diva .

  1. First , scribble out the name on the bakery box and then burn the packaging evidence. This is just an extra precaution in case you have guests that like to dig in your trash.

  2. A little repackaging in a eco -friendly box with a cute label and a big bow – that you just happened to make in your free time, because you are perfect should seal the deal .

If you want to go the distance and make it seem like you started your own bakery then you can add this last step.

3. No one can bake like Granny , so pick a random name that sounds sweet like Lou and you have “Granny Lou’s Famous Crap Cakes” . They are going to sell like crazy . It’s the science of capitalism and the American way.

Is this cheating or ingenuity? Who’s the real winner when you have a splendid chocolate cream pie that you can serve your guests with a smile? And then laugh (because you are such a perfect specimen of your sex )that you were getting a facial while the bakery did the work .

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be a queen at all things . I guess I don’t care if I’m basic af . It’s a really good time to embrace it. I have been a lot of things but I’m not afraid to be the face of the sum of my faults. Who else is going to care if your eyebrows look like you are going through a lot more than a few bad choices ? Nobody , that’s who.

FORE !

In trying to downplay my basic af status , I’ve picked up a new hobby . I’m learning to play golf .

img_1561

I won’t lie about it . The cute golf clothes were at first my motivating factor . Fashion is as good a reason as any to try new things .

I’m what you call “athletically challenged” but I always thought golf looked so easy a caveman could do it . I mean , let’s face it . You hit the ball with a stick into a hole. That’s what I’ve learned by seeing golf on tv .

Not that I’ve spent much time on it, because it’s similar to watching dead grass grow . Seriously, how hard could it be to get a ball into a hole . I’m going to tell you that it is really hard . After a few missed putts , I had to channel my inner Happy Gilmore . Turns out coaxing the golf ball to go home doesn’t actually work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9e5vgpwmruA

My husband is a good golfer and he has the utmost patience with me . I’m trying to learn the same patience with myself. Like all beginners , I want to skip the basics and be a pro like right now .

I’ve never played or even held a golf club before 3 weeks ago . My husband started teaching me the basics in our backyard. We used wiffle balls . I was driving off the tee fairly well when he said to try a real ball because “you won’t be able to hit it far .” I hit it over the fence ,across the alley ,and almost took out our 90 year old neighbor.

Before getting a chance to yell “Fore” , my husband yells “Quick , go inside !” We run into the house before she spots us . I knew I was the next big thing at that moment.

Our daughter ,who has the wisdom and superiority of every college student, thinks it’s cute that I’m really into becoming a golf pro . She also has the confidence and cockiness of the seasoned softball pitcher that she is. “Let me try that ” she says and swings the club . The effect is similar to a drunk ballerina who is backhandedly swatting a fly . I suppress a laugh when she says “golf is harder than it looks .”

All jokes aside , I have learned a few new things about myself by discovering golf . Perhaps I have just rediscovered them . Here’s a short list .

  1. I’m not allergic to sports, the great outdoors or the sun.

  2. I haven’t lost the persistent determination I had in the 6th grade when I ran a 5k and came in last place . Like seriously last place. The other runners had already gone home when I crossed the finish line.

  3. I like cute clothes . Wait, I already knew that .

  4. I am harder on myself than anyone else is .

  5. I want to succeed at everything I try . Not that I’ve mastered my eyebrow game but I’m working on it.

And also, Michelle Wie has replaced Lana Del Rey as my main girl crush .

Michelle Wie

In summary, I’m excited to have found a new interest that I want to excel at . I guess that is what keeps us alive . The world is full of things like that. Sometimes you even discover them by watching dead grass grow .