Basic AF Gardening Tips

It was 101 today in Texas today and the perfect weather for heat stroke gardening. I’m kidding, normally sane people in the world really don’t want to die for that flower bed . I just wanted to say thank you for the memories and don’t my roses look lovely.

Today was the hottest day we’ve seen so far so it seemed like a good morning to be dehydrated, cranky and grumpy with the heat tolerant flowers I picked up . I skipped over some at Walmart that said heat resistant and were also dead . I’m needing some really heat and water resistant varieties.

Like cactus but prettier. This is why I’m not going into botany as a second career . I guess I’ll just pray that they live because my husband wasn’t pleased that I spent money to kill them . It just didn’t make good economic sense but it looks pretty. For now . I’m doing a lot more research on the planting of flowers and I know that good soil makes flowers happy. I spent the whole morning at the task of making the happiest of lovelies to the best of my abilities. I sang to them off key broadway and a little opera . Then I mixed up some compost that I mixed in with the soil and I smelled like manure . I don’t know what I was thinking but I’m all about optimism and I was sure I would be done before it the next asteroid risk . I didn’t think I was going to be a great grandmother and halfway in my own hole before I was done . Morning came then went and I had to take a shower to go to Walmart and get more manure and 3 bags of mulch . What kind of mulch do you want ? Are you kidding me ? Just the regular one. 3 bags of red mulch isn’t a huge deal but it was heavy . I almost forgot to get my fungicide but I’m not going to forget about mulch .

Everyone knows that you dig a hole and put the plant in . I’m not sure what I was thinking but I didn’t know that meant to get dirty . The front flower beds are a weird clay mix with small trees that don’t belong there so I had to dig my ass off . Until I got mad at what point ,I just ignore them . I bought a big trowel with a long handle and it was so hard to find a good excuse to be doing this for the sake of humanity . I mean I was planting flowers not on naked and afraid . Should’ve done that before it was 120 not at the hottest part of this beautiful Saturday .

So hours later many curses and a slight sunburn, I am so pleased with my hard work that I can’t wait to tell people. I guess no one is that impressed. Either that or it looks like crap . I’m going with it’s beautiful and I’m so sorry you didn’t know that I had a pain in my back from digging, hoeing and planting the happy new things I think are the most amazing things I have ever seen . You just suck so I wouldn’t expect a standing ovation .

I’m really ,really impressed with my flower bed and I am determined not to kill it . Maybe . So far I have told my husband, mother ,daughter ,father in law and my dog . None of them are doing backflips.

I have one friend that said it is pretty. My husband said “you forgot 2 “. Because I’m not really sure how to make it to next week without his cuteness and sarcasm.

I had to have a break because too much greatness is not attractive and I don’t want others to be envious that I am just so perfect at everything .

Watched some YouTube tutorials on golf and makeup. Decided I wanted to have my highlights and brows done before I could proceed . I’m not going to lie but I’m looking on fleek while finishing this mess . Highly recommended for the next time you get the urge to sunstroke in the garden . You want to look hot when you get to the

hospital don’t you? I do . I’m sorry but I’m going to make sure I get mouth to mouth , if he’s cute . If not then I’ll just die and wait for a cute one . I’m not wasting time in my life but I’m just wondering if cute girls get rescued faster ? I want to know.

I’m going to go with something my grandfather used to tell me . Red lips and a pretty face is the best way to get what you want. Not really in so many words but he liked red lipstick and there was never a time that he didn’t find it suitable . Please do cpr , I have red lipstick on . It’s not really a gardening thing but I’m going to be a bit of a stepford wife and pretend that I’m one of those who can’t leave the house without my makeup and hair fixed . That’s a lie. I really doubt that you are going to come over just to see it happen ? Do I or don’t I ? Stay tuned and maybe we will discuss it .

Meanwhile I am not doing makeup tutorials right nor because I’m blogging and now I’m going to get through the next few weeks so I don’t have to go back to Walmart for more flowers because I’m pretty sure that they like Lana del Rey and I have had a great time coaxing them to grow .

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend and please don’t let anyone drink and drive . No distractions while driving are worth getting a citation or something even worse like causing you or another’s death .I’m not going to say anything more about it but that . Please don’t do it .

So,grass seed seems easy enough . Evidently not going to work until I can hire a few midgets to the weeds out of my hardcore ugly yard . Then I have to till it up and then put grass seed down . I skipped the first two and it didn’t seem to matter . Of course there isn’t any grass growing either. So there’s that . I’m doing two out of four steps do you think I have any more time to do the first two ? I’m sorry but no . I am an American who is used to instant gratification. Viva la resistance , communists and imperialism are not the way of the capitalists . I’m not going to keep it as a hobby but I’m sure it’s a lot of fun to do that peasant thing called lawn work . I’m impressed by how you are not going to let me stop you from enjoying anaphylactic shock from stinging things and fire ants . I am just wondering if you are still outside with the elements that make naked and afraid seem like a picnic .

Moreover , my flowers look alive and they were not really sure how much longer they had to live but I didn’t want to disappoint them.

so shush …..

Basic AF Baking 101

I’m not exactly what you would call Betty Crocker or even Martha Stewart- before or after her prison stint (or friendship with Snoop. )

It’s just not my thing . I guess it’s not a big deal that I’m not- until it’s time to do it. Why do I always volunteer for things that I suck at ? It’s my nature to try to be good at something that I haven’t had a lot of success at . It’s the same reason people go on American Idol . Someone lied to them when they were young and said they were going to be star someday. Or like me ,they like pain and decided making a three tiered chocolate cake with bacon icing in the shape of the Eiffel Tower was a good idea. Thanks YouTube and Pinterest. I blame you for almost everything I’ve ever tried to do and failed.

 I have none of these things as motivation . In my defense, I have a good heart and a lot of pride. And not enough sense to say no . I’m not going to admit that I don’t bake . I don’t know if this is hubris or stupidity . Baking cookies isn’t rocket science but who has time for that. And who doesn’t want to be the envy of the Pinterest world. It is really a great time to be alive when you are creative. And if you aren’t creative, it’s still okay. You are the only person who knows that you didn’t really make that.

I pick the hardest things to bake and I have the loftiest goals for my Instagram worthy efforts . It’s like I don’t remember the last time I was feeling like making desserts my bitch, and had a good meltdown -causing me run to the neighborhood bakery (because I don’t have a problem with wasting time and money for my own sanity.)

I am going to be Martha Stewart for one day , only cooler . Like Gwyneth if she actually ate food with calories. Watch out foodies , this is how it’s done .

Five minutes in and I’m out of patience and wine . Time for plan B . You may call it deception but in my book it’s called ingenious and a sanity saver.

It’s also not my problem that you think it tastes like Sara Lee was here .

Here’s my secret to making you look , feel and be a baking diva .

  1. First , scribble out the name on the bakery box and then burn the packaging evidence. This is just an extra precaution in case you have guests that like to dig in your trash.

  2. A little repackaging in a eco -friendly box with a cute label and a big bow – that you just happened to make in your free time, because you are perfect should seal the deal .

If you want to go the distance and make it seem like you started your own bakery then you can add this last step.

3. No one can bake like Granny , so pick a random name that sounds sweet like Lou and you have “Granny Lou’s Famous Crap Cakes” . They are going to sell like crazy . It’s the science of capitalism and the American way.

Is this cheating or ingenuity? Who’s the real winner when you have a splendid chocolate cream pie that you can serve your guests with a smile? And then laugh (because you are such a perfect specimen of your sex )that you were getting a facial while the bakery did the work .

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be a queen at all things . I guess I don’t care if I’m basic af . It’s a really good time to embrace it. I have been a lot of things but I’m not afraid to be the face of the sum of my faults. Who else is going to care if your eyebrows look like you are going through a lot more than a few bad choices ? Nobody , that’s who.

Another Astral View

Astral via the Daily Prompt

I met you on the astral plane

A couple of times that year in May

Star-crossed and always lost

We chose to stay entombed

With realism mockingly on display

at the museum these days it

set the galaxy at too high a cost !

The night sky was a abstract wile that

Only moonlight and magic would expose

And gypsy gold just like foretold

Greeted me when I returned

But the man on the moon

Who made cheese and tunes

and put the world to sleep

made a pretty quartet of galactic regret

in the minor notes of June