FORE !

In trying to downplay my basic af status , I’ve picked up a new hobby . I’m learning to play golf .

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I won’t lie about it . The cute golf clothes were at first my motivating factor . Fashion is as good a reason as any to try new things .

I’m what you call “athletically challenged” but I always thought golf looked so easy a caveman could do it . I mean , let’s face it . You hit the ball with a stick into a hole. That’s what I’ve learned by seeing golf on tv .

Not that I’ve spent much time on it, because it’s similar to watching dead grass grow . Seriously, how hard could it be to get a ball into a hole . I’m going to tell you that it is really hard . After a few missed putts , I had to channel my inner Happy Gilmore . Turns out coaxing the golf ball to go home doesn’t actually work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9e5vgpwmruA

My husband is a good golfer and he has the utmost patience with me . I’m trying to learn the same patience with myself. Like all beginners , I want to skip the basics and be a pro like right now .

I’ve never played or even held a golf club before 3 weeks ago . My husband started teaching me the basics in our backyard. We used wiffle balls . I was driving off the tee fairly well when he said to try a real ball because “you won’t be able to hit it far .” I hit it over the fence ,across the alley ,and almost took out our 90 year old neighbor.

Before getting a chance to yell “Fore” , my husband yells “Quick , go inside !” We run into the house before she spots us . I knew I was the next big thing at that moment.

Our daughter ,who has the wisdom and superiority of every college student, thinks it’s cute that I’m really into becoming a golf pro . She also has the confidence and cockiness of the seasoned softball pitcher that she is. “Let me try that ” she says and swings the club . The effect is similar to a drunk ballerina who is backhandedly swatting a fly . I suppress a laugh when she says “golf is harder than it looks .”

All jokes aside , I have learned a few new things about myself by discovering golf . Perhaps I have just rediscovered them . Here’s a short list .

  1. I’m not allergic to sports, the great outdoors or the sun.

  2. I haven’t lost the persistent determination I had in the 6th grade when I ran a 5k and came in last place . Like seriously last place. The other runners had already gone home when I crossed the finish line.

  3. I like cute clothes . Wait, I already knew that .

  4. I am harder on myself than anyone else is .

  5. I want to succeed at everything I try . Not that I’ve mastered my eyebrow game but I’m working on it.

And also, Michelle Wie has replaced Lana Del Rey as my main girl crush .

Michelle Wie

In summary, I’m excited to have found a new interest that I want to excel at . I guess that is what keeps us alive . The world is full of things like that. Sometimes you even discover them by watching dead grass grow .

The almost total eclipse

The date is somewhere before the beginning of life on our planet and somewhere after the death of intelligent life on our planet.

Starting at 6:00 am I did yoga while drinking coffee, fed the dog,drank more coffee , contemplated the meaning of life and eradicated world hunger .  I know, right … Sometimes I even amaze myself.

I read my newsfeed because I don’t want to be the only person who doesn’t know who Trump fired from his staff,  who North Korea is threatening next and who Taylor Swift is dating this week.

I know what you are thinking. How can anyone be so perfectly adept at handling the stresses of life without missing a beat?

I pride myself on multitasking so I already knew that Taylor Swift had all of her social media and and posted a cryptic message somewhat akin to hieroglyphics on Twitter before signing off .

The Total Eclipse of Taylor Swift had a sad amount of mascara, eyeliner and awful makeup. It also wasted precious minutes of my life while I obsessed over the million dollar question . All the while keeping a ridiculous amount of fangirls ,haters and everyone (except for my mother and husband)talking.

For those who live in a cave, under a rock or were raised by wolves; Taylor Swift is the most amazing, beautiful serial dater who also sings the songs that she writes about the ones who piss her off.

My feed had been blowing up with the mysterious doings of T. Swift and her posse. One of her people made a quite obscurely vague comment of how “she was definitely up to something.”

Clearly I wasn’t ready to be part of the Swiftie Squad.
Then as swiftly as Kim Kardashian’s sex tape accidentally leaked all over the internet, CHAOS broke loose.

Evidently those in the know …knew exactly what was up.

So when my daughter called, she got really lucky.  I  had already had a pot of coffee and even read the big news .  I still was so perplexed about why anyone cared about Taylor Swift. She  let me in on the inner secrets of the fan girl obsessed world.  She was so excited about this epic event that I was slightly alarmed.

When I killed my Facebook, no one noticed. Guess it’s different when you are the phenonemom known as T. Swift  because it means everything….

Because now there is the theory that a new album is about to be dropped ..Suddenly, the Swifties have concluded that it will happen on August 21st and the new release will be uniquely named Eclipse.

In later news:

https://goo.gl/aw58f9

Taylor Swift Eclipsing the Eclipse Is the Ultimate Power Move – Zimbio

Dr. Stephen Hawking said he wasn’t aware that TS had fully developed this technology. President Trump remarked that he hoped she didn’t sell it to North Korea.