Basic AF Gardening Tips

It was 101 today in Texas today and the perfect weather for heat stroke gardening. I’m kidding, normally sane people in the world really don’t want to die for that flower bed . I just wanted to say thank you for the memories and don’t my roses look lovely.

Today was the hottest day we’ve seen so far so it seemed like a good morning to be dehydrated, cranky and grumpy with the heat tolerant flowers I picked up . I skipped over some at Walmart that said heat resistant and were also dead . I’m needing some really heat and water resistant varieties.

Like cactus but prettier. This is why I’m not going into botany as a second career . I guess I’ll just pray that they live because my husband wasn’t pleased that I spent money to kill them . It just didn’t make good economic sense but it looks pretty. For now . I’m doing a lot more research on the planting of flowers and I know that good soil makes flowers happy. I spent the whole morning at the task of making the happiest of lovelies to the best of my abilities. I sang to them off key broadway and a little opera . Then I mixed up some compost that I mixed in with the soil and I smelled like manure . I don’t know what I was thinking but I’m all about optimism and I was sure I would be done before it the next asteroid risk . I didn’t think I was going to be a great grandmother and halfway in my own hole before I was done . Morning came then went and I had to take a shower to go to Walmart and get more manure and 3 bags of mulch . What kind of mulch do you want ? Are you kidding me ? Just the regular one. 3 bags of red mulch isn’t a huge deal but it was heavy . I almost forgot to get my fungicide but I’m not going to forget about mulch .

Everyone knows that you dig a hole and put the plant in . I’m not sure what I was thinking but I didn’t know that meant to get dirty . The front flower beds are a weird clay mix with small trees that don’t belong there so I had to dig my ass off . Until I got mad at what point ,I just ignore them . I bought a big trowel with a long handle and it was so hard to find a good excuse to be doing this for the sake of humanity . I mean I was planting flowers not on naked and afraid . Should’ve done that before it was 120 not at the hottest part of this beautiful Saturday .

So hours later many curses and a slight sunburn, I am so pleased with my hard work that I can’t wait to tell people. I guess no one is that impressed. Either that or it looks like crap . I’m going with it’s beautiful and I’m so sorry you didn’t know that I had a pain in my back from digging, hoeing and planting the happy new things I think are the most amazing things I have ever seen . You just suck so I wouldn’t expect a standing ovation .

I’m really ,really impressed with my flower bed and I am determined not to kill it . Maybe . So far I have told my husband, mother ,daughter ,father in law and my dog . None of them are doing backflips.

I have one friend that said it is pretty. My husband said “you forgot 2 “. Because I’m not really sure how to make it to next week without his cuteness and sarcasm.

I had to have a break because too much greatness is not attractive and I don’t want others to be envious that I am just so perfect at everything .

Watched some YouTube tutorials on golf and makeup. Decided I wanted to have my highlights and brows done before I could proceed . I’m not going to lie but I’m looking on fleek while finishing this mess . Highly recommended for the next time you get the urge to sunstroke in the garden . You want to look hot when you get to the

hospital don’t you? I do . I’m sorry but I’m going to make sure I get mouth to mouth , if he’s cute . If not then I’ll just die and wait for a cute one . I’m not wasting time in my life but I’m just wondering if cute girls get rescued faster ? I want to know.

I’m going to go with something my grandfather used to tell me . Red lips and a pretty face is the best way to get what you want. Not really in so many words but he liked red lipstick and there was never a time that he didn’t find it suitable . Please do cpr , I have red lipstick on . It’s not really a gardening thing but I’m going to be a bit of a stepford wife and pretend that I’m one of those who can’t leave the house without my makeup and hair fixed . That’s a lie. I really doubt that you are going to come over just to see it happen ? Do I or don’t I ? Stay tuned and maybe we will discuss it .

Meanwhile I am not doing makeup tutorials right nor because I’m blogging and now I’m going to get through the next few weeks so I don’t have to go back to Walmart for more flowers because I’m pretty sure that they like Lana del Rey and I have had a great time coaxing them to grow .

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend and please don’t let anyone drink and drive . No distractions while driving are worth getting a citation or something even worse like causing you or another’s death .I’m not going to say anything more about it but that . Please don’t do it .

So,grass seed seems easy enough . Evidently not going to work until I can hire a few midgets to the weeds out of my hardcore ugly yard . Then I have to till it up and then put grass seed down . I skipped the first two and it didn’t seem to matter . Of course there isn’t any grass growing either. So there’s that . I’m doing two out of four steps do you think I have any more time to do the first two ? I’m sorry but no . I am an American who is used to instant gratification. Viva la resistance , communists and imperialism are not the way of the capitalists . I’m not going to keep it as a hobby but I’m sure it’s a lot of fun to do that peasant thing called lawn work . I’m impressed by how you are not going to let me stop you from enjoying anaphylactic shock from stinging things and fire ants . I am just wondering if you are still outside with the elements that make naked and afraid seem like a picnic .

Moreover , my flowers look alive and they were not really sure how much longer they had to live but I didn’t want to disappoint them.

so shush …..

FORE !

In trying to downplay my basic af status , I’ve picked up a new hobby . I’m learning to play golf .

img_1561

I won’t lie about it . The cute golf clothes were at first my motivating factor . Fashion is as good a reason as any to try new things .

I’m what you call “athletically challenged” but I always thought golf looked so easy a caveman could do it . I mean , let’s face it . You hit the ball with a stick into a hole. That’s what I’ve learned by seeing golf on tv .

Not that I’ve spent much time on it, because it’s similar to watching dead grass grow . Seriously, how hard could it be to get a ball into a hole . I’m going to tell you that it is really hard . After a few missed putts , I had to channel my inner Happy Gilmore . Turns out coaxing the golf ball to go home doesn’t actually work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9e5vgpwmruA

My husband is a good golfer and he has the utmost patience with me . I’m trying to learn the same patience with myself. Like all beginners , I want to skip the basics and be a pro like right now .

I’ve never played or even held a golf club before 3 weeks ago . My husband started teaching me the basics in our backyard. We used wiffle balls . I was driving off the tee fairly well when he said to try a real ball because “you won’t be able to hit it far .” I hit it over the fence ,across the alley ,and almost took out our 90 year old neighbor.

Before getting a chance to yell “Fore” , my husband yells “Quick , go inside !” We run into the house before she spots us . I knew I was the next big thing at that moment.

Our daughter ,who has the wisdom and superiority of every college student, thinks it’s cute that I’m really into becoming a golf pro . She also has the confidence and cockiness of the seasoned softball pitcher that she is. “Let me try that ” she says and swings the club . The effect is similar to a drunk ballerina who is backhandedly swatting a fly . I suppress a laugh when she says “golf is harder than it looks .”

All jokes aside , I have learned a few new things about myself by discovering golf . Perhaps I have just rediscovered them . Here’s a short list .

  1. I’m not allergic to sports, the great outdoors or the sun.

  2. I haven’t lost the persistent determination I had in the 6th grade when I ran a 5k and came in last place . Like seriously last place. The other runners had already gone home when I crossed the finish line.

  3. I like cute clothes . Wait, I already knew that .

  4. I am harder on myself than anyone else is .

  5. I want to succeed at everything I try . Not that I’ve mastered my eyebrow game but I’m working on it.

And also, Michelle Wie has replaced Lana Del Rey as my main girl crush .

Michelle Wie

In summary, I’m excited to have found a new interest that I want to excel at . I guess that is what keeps us alive . The world is full of things like that. Sometimes you even discover them by watching dead grass grow .

Another Astral View

Astral via the Daily Prompt

I met you on the astral plane

A couple of times that year in May

Star-crossed and always lost

We chose to stay entombed

With realism mockingly on display

at the museum these days it

set the galaxy at too high a cost !

The night sky was a abstract wile that

Only moonlight and magic would expose

And gypsy gold just like foretold

Greeted me when I returned

But the man on the moon

Who made cheese and tunes

and put the world to sleep

made a pretty quartet of galactic regret

in the minor notes of June

Astral

Ad seen in the Galactic Times:

For sale:

A nice bright little star ideal for a smaller solar system with 9 or so planets and no black holes. Gassy little gem has a steamy mix of helium,carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen and oxygen. Perfect for tiny space rocks without the hassle of a hyper giant . UV rays added for a small additional fee.  No refunds or exchanges.

Source: Astral

 

It’s Under Construction

Constant

The new exit on the I28 North Free Toll Way was recently opened to oncoming traffic from the ramp off Constant and Crash. The faster commute and better roads have been anticipated since the Styx froze over.

A few people were reported missing after a traffic accident .

It’s still unknown if anyone else was hurt. Skycam 7 reporters on the scene said that nobody seemed to notice the detour to the new ramp was also the road to hell and people just disappeared into the flames.

“It’s poor city planning and not the end of the world”, officials said.

More on this dismantling story as the crust is formed.