Basic AF Gardening Tips

It was 101 today in Texas today and the perfect weather for heat stroke gardening. I’m kidding, normally sane people in the world really don’t want to die for that flower bed . I just wanted to say thank you for the memories and don’t my roses look lovely.

Today was the hottest day we’ve seen so far so it seemed like a good morning to be dehydrated, cranky and grumpy with the heat tolerant flowers I picked up . I skipped over some at Walmart that said heat resistant and were also dead . I’m needing some really heat and water resistant varieties.

Like cactus but prettier. This is why I’m not going into botany as a second career . I guess I’ll just pray that they live because my husband wasn’t pleased that I spent money to kill them . It just didn’t make good economic sense but it looks pretty. For now . I’m doing a lot more research on the planting of flowers and I know that good soil makes flowers happy. I spent the whole morning at the task of making the happiest of lovelies to the best of my abilities. I sang to them off key broadway and a little opera . Then I mixed up some compost that I mixed in with the soil and I smelled like manure . I don’t know what I was thinking but I’m all about optimism and I was sure I would be done before it the next asteroid risk . I didn’t think I was going to be a great grandmother and halfway in my own hole before I was done . Morning came then went and I had to take a shower to go to Walmart and get more manure and 3 bags of mulch . What kind of mulch do you want ? Are you kidding me ? Just the regular one. 3 bags of red mulch isn’t a huge deal but it was heavy . I almost forgot to get my fungicide but I’m not going to forget about mulch .

Everyone knows that you dig a hole and put the plant in . I’m not sure what I was thinking but I didn’t know that meant to get dirty . The front flower beds are a weird clay mix with small trees that don’t belong there so I had to dig my ass off . Until I got mad at what point ,I just ignore them . I bought a big trowel with a long handle and it was so hard to find a good excuse to be doing this for the sake of humanity . I mean I was planting flowers not on naked and afraid . Should’ve done that before it was 120 not at the hottest part of this beautiful Saturday .

So hours later many curses and a slight sunburn, I am so pleased with my hard work that I can’t wait to tell people. I guess no one is that impressed. Either that or it looks like crap . I’m going with it’s beautiful and I’m so sorry you didn’t know that I had a pain in my back from digging, hoeing and planting the happy new things I think are the most amazing things I have ever seen . You just suck so I wouldn’t expect a standing ovation .

I’m really ,really impressed with my flower bed and I am determined not to kill it . Maybe . So far I have told my husband, mother ,daughter ,father in law and my dog . None of them are doing backflips.

I have one friend that said it is pretty. My husband said “you forgot 2 “. Because I’m not really sure how to make it to next week without his cuteness and sarcasm.

I had to have a break because too much greatness is not attractive and I don’t want others to be envious that I am just so perfect at everything .

Watched some YouTube tutorials on golf and makeup. Decided I wanted to have my highlights and brows done before I could proceed . I’m not going to lie but I’m looking on fleek while finishing this mess . Highly recommended for the next time you get the urge to sunstroke in the garden . You want to look hot when you get to the

hospital don’t you? I do . I’m sorry but I’m going to make sure I get mouth to mouth , if he’s cute . If not then I’ll just die and wait for a cute one . I’m not wasting time in my life but I’m just wondering if cute girls get rescued faster ? I want to know.

I’m going to go with something my grandfather used to tell me . Red lips and a pretty face is the best way to get what you want. Not really in so many words but he liked red lipstick and there was never a time that he didn’t find it suitable . Please do cpr , I have red lipstick on . It’s not really a gardening thing but I’m going to be a bit of a stepford wife and pretend that I’m one of those who can’t leave the house without my makeup and hair fixed . That’s a lie. I really doubt that you are going to come over just to see it happen ? Do I or don’t I ? Stay tuned and maybe we will discuss it .

Meanwhile I am not doing makeup tutorials right nor because I’m blogging and now I’m going to get through the next few weeks so I don’t have to go back to Walmart for more flowers because I’m pretty sure that they like Lana del Rey and I have had a great time coaxing them to grow .

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend and please don’t let anyone drink and drive . No distractions while driving are worth getting a citation or something even worse like causing you or another’s death .I’m not going to say anything more about it but that . Please don’t do it .

So,grass seed seems easy enough . Evidently not going to work until I can hire a few midgets to the weeds out of my hardcore ugly yard . Then I have to till it up and then put grass seed down . I skipped the first two and it didn’t seem to matter . Of course there isn’t any grass growing either. So there’s that . I’m doing two out of four steps do you think I have any more time to do the first two ? I’m sorry but no . I am an American who is used to instant gratification. Viva la resistance , communists and imperialism are not the way of the capitalists . I’m not going to keep it as a hobby but I’m sure it’s a lot of fun to do that peasant thing called lawn work . I’m impressed by how you are not going to let me stop you from enjoying anaphylactic shock from stinging things and fire ants . I am just wondering if you are still outside with the elements that make naked and afraid seem like a picnic .

Moreover , my flowers look alive and they were not really sure how much longer they had to live but I didn’t want to disappoint them.

so shush …..

Death by Reality TV is Easier Than Writing

Since I started working on my writing instead of just spewing out word vomit, I’ve found it harder to find anything to say. It’s curious that what I have read in the scope of learning to be a better writer has left me speechless in that sense. I’m constantly trying to find the right way to get my point across and as for a niche , I still have no idea what I’m even doing. I’m not going to lie. The more I think I know, the less I do. Proof that I don’t have a idea what I’m doing with this blogging thing and that is my subject today.

I’m sorry but I love watching trash tv.. Reality check for the masses it’s not . But since I have given up on deep thoughts I have a new platform. White trash deserves a facelift on reality shows and I think I’ve found the family to give it one. I’m not sure if I have the purest of motives since I feel like I was too judgemental about Honey BooBoo and the sketti eating tribe that is her very honest and authentic family. I’m just so amazed at the willingness of people to put their lives in the hands of the crash test drama television show that society and producers alike.. It’s so easy to use people when money is involved. I’m surprised that reality stars trust anyone.

Don’t judge. I’m sure you have a guilty pleasure too. I don’t think horrible people and their horrible lives are so horrible if they have money and you don’t either. The Kardashians are more tolerable because they are rich and beautiful . If they lived in the swamp or some podunk hillbilly town then it would be a comedy .

I see a cash cow in front of me and it has Mama June all over it. The Honey Booboo’s need to be red -neck- a -nized . I’m going to make them fabulously famous -er .For one, I think I am not alone in this either – who doesn’t want to see the People of Walmart Beauty Contest and Fashion Show inspired by the time you wore a loose crochet sweater braless and had a nipple sticking out in the 20 items or less line. Or your Aunt Lucinda’s baby got back shorts that she was thrown out of the reunion for wearing.

Live at your neighborhood Walmart with proceeds going to Mama June so she can nail her pageant .I hope she wins .I’m all about June and her transformation from a terrible trainwreck to beauty queen and tough mom who doesn’t have time fo you trolls who don’t know what sketti is . She is a feminist icon for the new age and I support her . It’s proof of the American dream when a joke about a life that isn’t good enough for the viewers that laugh at you and your family and the way you eat spaghetti can also makes you a star.

Yes , I’m chastising myself. It’s so easy to be cruel to tv people. I forget that they have feelings too but it’s okay because I’m announcing myself as Mama June’s personal manager.

I see a clothing store and home decor line in her future . What about a book? I’m not sure if she has a ghost writer but I want to apply for the job . I don’t see an end to the June and Honey BooBoo phenom that is ripe for taking over just like the Kardashian’s. I think we are ready for a real family reality wave and that is what I can get behind like a taco truck. It’s time for a change . Pretty people are just so last year . We need a better way of looking at beauty. Maybe it’s you , maybe it’s Mama- line .

Now I’m impressed with June’s weight loss and I think she looks fabulous BUT the heavy metal bleached- out hair screams “prom queen slasher film” and I think she needs something more fun. It’s fine if you have the same hair and love it. The point I’m trying to make is if you are doing a show like this then give the same attention to it you would to the Kimye’s or Taylor ‘s of the world.. It’s not necessary to make a woman who has real life problems the joke of it on tv . Let the woman have the best . It’s capitalism when you do that .

See how I can make her a bigger star ? Being a household name is easy with a good marketing approach and strategy. I think.

I’m not really a media expert but I think I’m the right person for the job and that’s why I’m proposing that we need to remarket the Honey Booboo monikor because Alanna isn’t the name we fell in love with . Here is my fast track to success plan :

Start a people of Walmart beauty and fashion pageant judged by Lana Del Rey , Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsey , Miranda Lambert and Gwen Stefani.

Then as you think to yourself “I can’t believe I’m wearing makeup and clothes inspired by not Kylie.” the next media storm is released and I’m not going to judge you for attending the book signing as it hits the Denny’s nearest you . All you can eat pancakes and a signed copy of the new book is a great idea, right ? It’s a given for me that she has to have a book deal with Oprah .

Here are a few titles I like :

  1. Word Vomit for the Soul (wisdom for the whole family)
  2. Mama June is coming over ! A fuss free guide to the holidays and the family members you hate. (self help /cookbook)
  3. Mama June ‘s Beauty and the Beast looks of 2017 ( Mama June’s favorite and most hated beauty looks of this year)

And the rollout of Honey Boo -Booze wine and baby care line .

“They’ll be no boohoos when you use these for your booboo’s.”

A dog food and supply line called Boo’s Clues.

I’m going to stop now . I have an idea induced migraine and I bet you do too .

I think I have great marketing pitches for this but I’m not sure television is ready for it.