Multitasking Fails

I fail at least one time every day.
Don't let anyone know. From trying to water my flowers while shaving my legs, I can have 100 things to do and I want to feel accomplished by completing them.

I'm feeling pretty productive this morning so my goal is to save the world while mopping my floor. Luckily, our kitchen faucet is ready to help me out. You can't do dishes in my house without causing a literal storm surge.

So that knocks out two of the things on my to-do list: cleaning the kitchen while power-washing the floors in the entire house. as well as bathing the dog.

Its a win-win trifecta for all.

Cat-tastrophe

My 21 year -old daughter said she liked my snarky but painfully honest advice posts and thought they were funny. She said this while sober, so I believe her.

Since she is always sober, it is not just a detox moment. Since I’m adept at dishing out the advice that I have no intention of supping upon, I feel like I have found my niche. Granted that I take such praise from my child with a grain of salt along with tequila and lime.

In stressful situations, I like to get into character and act like certain protagonists, antagonists or both. In this case, Mrs. Bennet, of Pride and Prejudice fame seems appropriate. Because in the world of Victorian rom-com, Jane Austen is queen. That is, she would be if Elizabeth Bennett allowed it. There isn’t an exchange where I don’t have some harsh words for her entire family, friends and those unfortunate people that have to listen to her. I’m not a fangirl. But It’s fun to think how she would handle a perturbing situation. So the week before, I was anticipating the arrival of my daughter and her bestie /college roommate for a visit. I had explicitly told Rowen no when she asked if it was okay to bring Alice, their cat. The reasons are simple and included that her dad doesn’t care for cats. I like them but I’m allergic to them and our dog hates other animals.

I thought I was clear on this. Rowen said she would make other arrangements for Alice, who she lovingly calls my grandcat. I have no idea how that works. So I put this out of my mind and congratulated myself on my good parenting skills. Fast forward to the day my daughter and her college roommate arrive to spend a few days with the family. Clearly, I underestimated her.

Obviously her new motto

On Thursday, I’m excited to see them both. I think nothing about Rowen calling to ask that I put Leah( my sweet, very enthusiastic Corgi ) in the backyard so they can bring their suitcases inside without her running out the door. This is a very practical and responsible request and I dutifully fulfill it. I prematurely congratulate my daughter for adulting .

Both girls pull up and I go outside to see if help is needed unloading the van. ”

The doors of the van are barely open when I hear this:

Meowwww . Meowwwwww”.

I sense that something is amiss. Imagine my startled face when I was face to face with the cat named Alice. The very adorable fluffy feline that I instructed my child not to bring just last week.

In the flash it took me to realize that I wasn’t hallucinating, I regain composure. Kind of. Then I slip into Mrs. Bennett’s character and say:

”My darling daughter! I am speechless with joy that you have finally arrived to see your dearest mother and father. It seems ages ago that we last met!”

My daughter is equally pleased to see me as well and prattles on about trivial matters. Anna, the bestie, and roommate of my precious offspring kiss my cheek and steps back eying me cautiously.

”But what is that horrid thing that is yowling so miserably? I’m certain my poor nerves can’t have such hideous noise to vex me! And your much-burdened father! I’m in terror and rightly so of his own suffering from the screaming beast,“ I say mournfully.

”But mama, we had to bring her. She is a good girl and you won’t even know she’s here. She’s the sweetest cat ever, ” Rowen says .

With that one statement, she thrusts the cat into my arms. I ask for my fainting couch. Just kidding. I’m too covered in the fur cat named after a vampire in Twilight.

” Oh dearest child you know I cannot deny you anything but you have defied my wishes and your father will be most displeased. I am not pleased with this arrangement and we will speak about it later. Your father is not of a disposition that is fond of cats. You may explain yourself to him , ” I say in a huff .

He hates cats

Meanwhile, I’m trying to avoid the discovery of Alice by my husband. I fail in part by not having a good poker face. And then there’s Alice who refuses to comply.

She howls, meows and cries until she is picked up. What a diva. I sigh . She is really cute .

Leah my roly-poly ,sweetheart corgi is frantic and wants to know what that horrible noise is behind door number three. It’s not a new car though. It’s acrazy cat who is doing a great job of making her presence known.

Fast forward to bedtime and the cats out of the bag. Literally. Leah is in her bed until she hears the cat. Then whines until I get up and open the bedroom door. I’m thinking she needs water as is her nightly routine.

As soon as the door opens I hear a whimper. Leah is cowering in the hallway and Alice is on the opposite side with back arched. Both are not really sure what’s next. I’m terrified that the fur is going to fly.

”Girls, girls! Come quickly! I tell you there is no time to dally as a momentously devastating issue is unfolding! Oh, Why is the cat roaming around the great hall? The hound is going to kill her! Hurry and save it before I witness the death of a sweet gentle cat, it ruins the new floors and wakes your father up, ” I cry .

Needless to say, nothing of the sort happened and the cat is still alive and loudly announcing her countenance. Back in her own home. My dog is doing very well since she is once again the queen of her palace.

My husband is very pleased that Alice has left the building.

The end.

All pictures courtesy of Pixabay and credited as such.

GOOPED: A Reblog Of My First Post

I love Gwyneth Paltrow.  After watching Emma , I felt like we were soul sisters. After watching her play Sylvia Plath in Sylvia , I knew we were.  I was legit fan girling over GP.

black haired woman singing

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I really didn’t care that she was a little ( ok ,a lot ) pretentious and said things that irritated some people. Ok … MOST people When you name your kids Apple and Moses, you can do whatever you want.

And she made divorce sound beautiful, perfect and not tragic – and not like divorce.

She called her and Chris Martin’s parting an “conscious uncoupling” … how absolutely gorgeous is that ?

Soooooo, evidently I’m a little bit of a hipster so I started reading about living clean and how GP changed her life with it.

Then I saw this .

attractive beautiful girl hipsterPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was intrigued by the title of this book.

(Spoiler Alert : She’s lying)

It’s exhausting , cumbersome and inconvenient. And …… it’s s ridiculous. Why can’t I have a little sugar? What’s wrong with my my diet? It’s perfect! I don’t eat sugar , but I want candy !!! Unlike Marie Antoinette, let ME eat cake!

chocolate cake with white icing and strawberry on top with chocolate

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I quickly became addicted to the thought of eating “clean” . But just the thought.

Doing it was hard. It mean’t dedication. And only included only unprocessed, organic food . I won’t lie. At first , I hated it. By the third week, I was gleefully eating kelp noodles and wheat grass and drinking Mamma Chia.

girl holding yoghurt

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

I felt better. I lost weight. I stopped taking antidepressants.* I started exercises for lymphatic drainage , detox baths, doing cleanses, infrared sauna, hydrotherapy. Anything to clear those toxins out. Because they are everywhere !

board brown daylight destination

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Then I had a meltdown. Seriously.That’s me. A mess. Not even a hot one.  My mom even thought I was a little crazy. My friends avoided me .  I wasn’t much fun to anyone. All I wanted to talk about was how your diet can cure virtually every illness in the book.  Alkaline and anti -inflammatory foods became my sole topic of discussion.I didn’t leave the house. I just read about my toxic life. It only got worse. Turns out, I was only living a lie. Because then, Gwyneth announced that I had missed something.

This was worse than I had imagined . My yoni wasn’t even safe. Wait, my what ? Why does it need to be steamed? That doesn’t sound like something I would ever do. But then I read the article and it weirdly made sense. I thought to myself “where would you find a place that does this ?”

I didn’t need to worry , they were everywhere. Just like toxins. Lurking , waiting, stalking , just biding their time until your adrenals were burnt out and your precious lymphs were congested with poison.Then bam! You were fat, sick and miserable with only big Pharma as your friend.

Thankfully, I found a YouTube tutorial on how to do it yourself -WHAT ?!?!!

No, I haven’t done it.

I’m not crazy.

But then I saw the one on jade eggs.

For real.

OMFG …..I didn’t watch either of these because I can’t even follow the makeup tutorials. I mean I can’t even come close to contouring …how could I steam my own vagina or stick dino eggs up there?!???!I can’t even.

I needed a break. Something was amiss.

I needed psychological help. So did my family.

I’m going to have a drink and a cigarette like my queen Gwenyth does, ponder life and write poetry.No wonder I love her.

Celebrities… they are just like us !!!!!

*Do not follow my advice. NEVER do what I did.You should never stop taking medication abruptly and without medical advice.