Collision

I remember the strangest things about yesterday. The temperature inside the car when we decide to go get tea and the way the sun hit my daughter’s platinum blonde hair. She looked like a doll in a dreamy, ethereal way that could easily break, with porcelain skin that was almost translucent. It was 109, and the heat seemed to have a life force of its own. I think it took me a little bit by surprise that I didn’t melt in the sunshine.

Instead of suffering the melting heat like all Texans, we drove through the bank to get money instead of going inside. The girl at the drive-thru looked familiar. I commented that I think she was named Meagan. My daughter wasn’t interested but wanted to hear about the meteor that a coworker of her dad had found – but since NASA denied the claims, it became more intriguing. It was the uneducated consensus that it was a coverup. It was probably a piece of the space shuttle that exploded in the 1980s since it was found in Fairfield, Tx. This was exciting for the armchair astrophysics department in our small part of the world. Which was unsubstantiated scientific research that consisted of “Flat Earther’s “, other planetary inhabitants that mimicked humans and people that held the government responsible for all of the above.

We talked about driving and how to avoid an accident by watching others to avoid an accident. At the four-way stop on the square. I paused for a second, even though none was in sight and there was no one to run the flashing red light. I paused because I always do.  I was as cautious driving like any other day. A lady honked at, me because I paused too long to avoid a truck driving too fast.

Later that day, after we left the grocery store, we are happy and almost home . Then , out of nowhere, a lady ran a stop sign while I was on a roundabout. I heard my daughter screaming she appeared out of nowhere. I hit my brake and prayed for God to help us . Because there it was, unavoidable and ominous, staring me in the face. Another vehicle. The one person I have always strived to protect was in the passenger’s seat.

You make driving look so easy mom.

I reply that it is easy, you just watch out for others who aren’t paying attention.  And never take your eyes off the road, one moment may be all it takes to avoid a tragedy.”

Why didn’t I see the car speeding through the stop sign and barreling towards us? Why do I only remember my daughter’s screams and none of the other things we talked about? How did I think to turn the steering wheel in the direction of the oncoming car to avoid it hitting my daughter’s side of the cart? Did I do that? Or did I just pray that it would hit me and not her? How did I remain unhurt? How did we both?

Why did I think I could have avoided this by being better than human?

I had no moment of clarity, levity or even terror. I had no time. I opened my eyes to see smoke and airbags deployed like huge shapeless masses. I felt relief – until I remember I wasn’t alone. I screamed for my child and she crying, answered me,

Are you hurt? Get out of the car”

NOW.”

I fumbled for the door and couldn’t stop shaking.

I’m a nurse. I can handle stress. Life and death. Code blue, I can bring you back to life. So why was I crying like a baby? Sitting in the back of an ambulance crying hysterically unable to sign my name? I couldn’t think what to do .

I can be the first on site in an accident and be calm as I help get you to safety.  I am in my element when saving your life.

You can trust me, please let me help you. You’re ok, please don’t worry. “

As I sit in the smoking car with my daughter, trembling hands and shaky voice ,I am not calm.

I start crying when people are asking how we are.

Who am I? What happened to the girl who could handle it? Where is she? She needs to get herself together. She is capable and needs to stop acting like a blubbering crybaby.

I am ashamed of the most human part of my reaction and a few times I apologize for being upset. I don’t have to apologize for crying but I do it anyway and the EMTs, police, and firefighters are silent. They are not the same as the people who have stopped to help. They are doing the job of the first responders. I realize that I’m the same as them in a crisis. I don’t show emotion either but I hope I have kind eyes.

The first thing I did not want was to be seen as a casualty. I realize that they didn’t either. They told me as much in their eyes.

I forced myself to drive two days later. I think it was a tribute to my guardian angel who I think is my grandfather, who taught me how to drive. Or maybe my grandmother. Or maybe my aunt. Maybe it was the Volvo I was driving. But I’m not going to lie, I think I’m blessed. Thank you, God. You are always there.

I drive defensively everyday .

But sometimes, you need divine intervention.

Blogger Recognition Award

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A famous poet once said, ” I write because there is a voice inside me that can’t be still.”

Me either. I literally can’t be still. I’m really excited about everything and I’m really, really excited when people like my writing. This is one of those times.

When Cordelia’s mom and her bunnies nominated me for the Blogger Recognition Award, I immediately started writing my acceptance speech and practiced in the mirror.

This is what I’m rambling about :

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  • Write a post to show your award.
  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Give a brief story of how your blog started.
  • Give two pieces of advice for new bloggers.
  • Nominate 6-12 bloggers who you believe deserve to be recognized. Comment on their blogs, to let the nominees know they have been nominated.

Maybe I wore a tiara and went a bit overboard with my makeup. img_1827-4

Extra is the new basic, I’m told. Here goes:

”I’m so excited, appreciative and grateful for all the support from my family (especially my mom who isn’t impressed or even pretending to be ) my followers ( I can’t believe I have any ) and my best friends (who don’t really read my posts and really don’t exist because of them) .

pexels-photo-1047442Thank all of you so much.

I’m going to share a few things I’ve learned from this blogging experience that my readers might relate to . I’m serious when I say that.

Who doesn’t have a serial dater mom in skinny jeans , cyberstalking crazy person , and a daughter leaving for college ? That equals a nervous breakdown in my world. I started writing again. Because who wouldn’t ?

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Writing a diary can be your best friend and sometimes your only one. I guess I didn’t realize that until I stopped writing in one  .

I needed a place where I could work on myself and not be done in by myself. I didn’t care if it was popular or not (or so I said), I just wanted to write and connect with other writers . In the process, I found out there is enormous talent online. Your stories are truly inspiring , introspective and motivating .

I want to say to newcomers” write for yourself . ” Fight the urge to shut out your inner voice and be a better listener to you.

There is a phrase that I love so much that I had it engraved on my arm -so I could see it every day.  It comes from one of my favorite books, “The Lake of Dead Languages” by Carol Goodman. It reminds me that writing has always been my first love. I had to find it again.

Spoiler alert: it means the heart leads you back. In Latin .

I feel a little unqualified to give advice but if I could do it over again, I would have done it like this.

1. Ask for help and take advice. There’s a good chance you’re going to need them both. I didn’t know the first thing about blogging and I didn’t ask before I dove in. I didn’t drown but it would have been easy to do.So take advantage of the help that’s out there. That’s what my goal is this year. I would appreciate any advice you have to give as well as constructive criticism.

2. Do word prompts. Often. When I can’t get the words out for a post, I can still do a word prompt. You’ll be surprised at the creative things you come up with and you might find a new niche for your writing. I love all of them and I’m constantly looking for flash fiction, poetry and writing challenges to do. If you know of any, please let me know in the comments section!

Writing is about the experience and the way you experience it.

Thanks again for listening. I’ll do my best to be an honorable, responsible and worthy recipient of this title.

I’m still waiting to be inspired by myself.

Until then, I’ll be home working on my contour and highlighting techniques with perfect eyebrows.

After all, I need to be ready for the big speech one day. I’ll end this post by mentioning these blogs that I have nominated for this award. Keep writing for yourself.”

Blogs I love include but not limited to :

Scruffy Dog Photography

Past the Isle of dogs

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The vile mint

RicardoSexton

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Basic AF tips for Family Reunion Survival

I’m not really an expert on faking it . Ask anyone who knows me , what I feel is usually written all over my face . Today I will test the limits of my superpowers and use my nurse face at the family reunion.

Not sure if this is enough to fool the relatives , I’ve prepared myself for the inevitable ,fear of death inducing questions about myself that I don’t want to answer. Here are a few sample questions and how I’ll handle it .

  1. How have you been ?

Real me thinks since when ? Birth ? Death of my dog when I was 10 ? Last night? Because since last night ,I’m in a horrid mood and would love to be anywhere but here .

Instead I say “Good . How about you ? I love your dress , you look so good ! “

2. “How are your kids ?”

Real Me: “I only have one so I don’t know about the other one you want me to have ,except it’s not happening .”

Instead ,socially graceful me says “Perfect , just like I always knew they’d be .” And I’ll laugh just a little playfully ,in case they think I’m serious.

Next someone will ask where the kids are .

Real Me : I have no idea. I’m not on Facebook so I don’t really have any clue but if you see them online tell them I said hello.

Instead I say “Off saving the universe as usual. So much good to do in this world, don’t waste a minute when you could be helping others . That’s what we’ve always told them .480585371

In case they need to ask something job related and I’m sure they will because what else can you talk about with perfect strangers, I’ll tell them what they want to hear .

“Yesterday , I had a patient who kept pulling their chest tube out and I didn’t know I had mucous all over my scrubs and I went to the grocery store like that !”

480254536And I’ll eat while laughing at this too common problem of mine . Lol ,I think.

Now that I’m feeling confident on those topics of socially awkward situations that are going to happen, I’ll share with you the other ways I have prepared myself to deal with this dreaded day.

These are based on previously learned lessons . I’m all about the experience gained from the past but I’m still destined to repeat it .

Don’t be hung over and don’t have any alcohol on your breath . Repeat to yourself “You are a Baptist today. ” Over and over until you feel like one .

Do take an extra Xanax. Blame it on low blood sugar if you pass out . You will have an excuse for an early exit .

Do not go for the natural look . No matter what , err on the side of overdone . Remember you are in Texas . Big hair and too much blush equals wealth and happiness.

Eat a lot . If you don’t , you are either anorexic, on drugs , afraid of being poisoned or insulting the people who have cooked it .

Don’t forget to bring something . No one cares that you worked 85 hours last week and then built a homeless shelter in the spare time you didn’t have. That’s no excuse.

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Now the party is over and as usual, I’m going to admit that I didn’t prepare myself for everything. I was just arriving when I was suddenly dumbfounded and at a loss in every way . It came from a sweet, innocent face that I love dearly .

After a hug and kiss , my 10-year-old and adorable red-headed freckle faced niece said ” Aunt Amy , did you know that some makeup has whale barf in it ? I hope yours doesn’t. “

I almost panicked and told her some of the sad things they do in the name of beauty but I summoned my nurse face and handled it. Then whispered “No , but it does smell like peaches.” and kissed her cheek.