Category Archives: humor

Own Your Vegas Vacation Like A Griswald

I feel like it’s time to do a trip /vacation guide or do’s and don’ts of traveling to Las Vegas.I’m writing this on the way to the airport. No, I’m not driving. It’s 5:49 am the central time in case you are nosy or just a troll. Instead of annoying my husband who doesn’t want to play trivia during the 2 and 1/2 hour drive to DFW airport, I’m going to impart my travel wisdom to you, my dear readers. Consider yourself warned.

My husband and I like to travel. We’ve been doing together it for 18 years, and little has changed in our routine. By that, I mean nothing has changed- at all. I have adapted to the “The rules of Mark,” however. I’m not sure he’s adjusted to me or is just too worn out by my antics that he’s oblivious. Here’s a little bit of our routine every time.

I love consistency, so I keep my end of the partnership of marriage like I always have. I start by overpacking I like to be prepared for everything. I also love to cause more drama by skirting the weight limit on checked luggage. Today I topped in at 38.5 lbs on a 40 lbs max weight . That is unless you don’t mind being charged overage fees. My husband kind of minds this –a lot. But I still had room for one more pair of shoes … there’s always next time.

Arrive at airport hours before takeoff. My husband used to be an aviation mechanic, so he has a laundry list of reasons to get there with plenty of time to spare.

Don’t forget to wear cute shoes with heels to the airport especially if you are a clutz like me. Who needs to faceplant at 5:03 am in the TSA line on the way to Vegas …oh right, I do!

Make sure to impulse buy before boarding and don’t check your purchase. A 16 oz bottle of expensive lotion will never be noticed so sneak it on. Who would care? You’d be surprised. Now because of you, the TSA agent is smelling like roses.

Make sure you lose your drivers license or let your passport expire before a trip. Guess what you won ?EXTRA SCREENING TIME. You’ll get friendly with security fast. And unless you’re an exhibitionist and like being fondled in front of strangers while sober, it might not be for you. I consider it practice for Bourbon Street or my next life as a Vegas stripper.

Once in the plane, find all small children and sit by them – on purpose. Trade seats with someone if you have to. No flight is complete without a demon toddler that scares even the children of the corn. Maybe the plane will be delayed by them flailing on the floor. If not, then enjoy your flight and relax.

Plan how to spend the money you are going to make in Vegas. Ha.

Or if you are like me, instead of small children, sit next to the guy who loves to talk. About himself. Nonstop. Once you open your mouth and establish eye contact, it’s over so remember that. If you think 3 hours isn’t long enough to know the person sitting next to you in an airplane, you my friends sadly are WRONG. Oddly enough I know everything but his name. Nice guy but even I am worn out by this one-sided conversation and begging to jump straight into the Grand Canyon with no parachute on.

When you finally made it to Vegas, and you’re ready to show Clark Griswald how it’s done, remember to follow my advice on these next things. I hope you were paying attention because you need those skills. Hopefully, you are done talking to strangers and ready to be antisocial. We’ll see.

We’ll try a quick test. Example one :

Do you know the kiosks at the mall? With the grabby hands’ pretty lady rubbing lotion on your arm like Hannibal Lector?

What do you do? If you answered “Run, Clarice, run” then that is correct. Before she puts it on the skin, keep walking. You don’t want to be buffaloed with no bills, do you? Timeshare people are the same as kiosk lady. Flattery, guess where you are from, and you have a new bestie. What’s the harm ? A few hours of listening to a sales pitch for show tickets or whatever you signed a deal with the devil for.Every Vegas trip we resolve not to do this. Every time we get suckered into it . Every time my husband almost buys a time share . If you are dying to see Celine Dion on her eternally sinking ship tour or Britney Spears’s circus act , there are easier ways to get tickets – like donating a kidney . Trust me on this .

Next , let’s talk about panhandlers/degenerate gamblers /con -men and scammers . I know that cute old woman who was kidnapped and stranded by her caregiver on the Vegas strip with no money or food or identification or medication for her enlarged heart murmur or failing kidneys has you in tears BUT put a bandaid on your bleeding heart . Now . You’re going to be living on the streets of Vegas if you listen to these types of sob stories . So walk fast , put your sunglasses on and if approached, speak in Russian or German or any language that can’t be understood .

Remember the nice airplane guy? Now imagine a million smelly ones.

All because you weren’t vigilant and unfriendly.

That’s really all I have right now I guess it all boils down to this. On vacation, channel your inner Regina and take no prisoners . A resting bitch face is always the best accessory Act like a boss, and you’ll be treated like one. You aren’t in Vegas to make friends. Or relatives. You don’t need another grandma. Or timeshare ocean front property in Colorado, Iowa or Kansas.

And you don’t need any expensive hand lotion.


The OtherShip

Friday Fictioneers 3/22/19

The blonde girl sitting next to me was getting impatient. A few more minutes passed before she spoke in a shaky voice.

“I don’t mean to question you, but something is off here. We’ve been up and down, around and around and in a circle more times than I can count and still I’m looking at the same landscape each time.”

“And that’s not all, I haven’t even mentioned the people who keep getting on and off … while we sit here.”

“The people who don’t look like our people. “

“I’m going to guess this isn’t our ship.”


Friday fictioneers is a weekly challenge set by Rochelle Wisoff Fields to write a 100-word story in response to a photo prompt. You can find other stories here.

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Pick up the almighty pen and focus on writing, damn it !

I feel like you need this post. I feel like I need this post. Maybe I just want to feel like I saved you, just like the guy in a Taylor Swift song. Whatever the reason, the fact remains the same : Friends don’t let friends write while distracted. Read on and if nothing else, humor me.

I am a distracted writer. It’s the reason I haven’t written lately. I’m so distracted by anything going on around me that I get absolutely nothing down on paper. The simple journey from my brain to the outside world is made into a death-spiraling vortex of nothingness because I get distracted. Then before I know it, it’s like I drank from the waters of the Lethe because I don’t remember what inspired me. Today ,I am changing that because I’m writing a post from start to finish without stopping. Just to let my number one enemy in being productive know that it’s over.I’ll call it the Kanye of writing. Here’s my do’s and don’ts to stop this madness and get to what you love -Writing.

We have all been there. No matter what your intentions were this morning or at midnight, remember that the road to hell was paved with good ones, too. Great thoughts are easily lost in space when you let yourself be interrupted by another person, place or thing. The following phrases are my mantra for these problems. I’d say they were tried and true but in all reality, I just thought of them.

Don’t be a Kanye and let Taylor finish. Don’t be a Taylor and let Kanye interrupt.
Above video clip : Taylor Swift playing the part of you ,the writer and Kanye West as the distraction or reason you can’t write.
Now how do you do this, you ask? It’s easy. Channel your inner Ozzy and shut yourself in the pantry -only do it intentionally. For you young ones out there, check the clip out below and you’ll get it, I promise. Actually the following may or may not contain the memorable scene as I got distracted while looking for it and this is a post about fighting writing distraction. In any case, the message is the same. Put your phone up. Put your dog up. Put your kids up. Put your husband up. Or put yourself up.  
Be an Ozzy and remember why you are in the pantry.

Don’t be a Sharon and let Ozzy out of the pantry.

Now, I admit the pantry might not be the best place to find solitude. I prefer my shut yourself walk-in closet, with its comforting plush carpet and racks of beautiful designer shoes and purses. What did you expect from me? Sorry, I let Kim Kardashian take over my thoughts for a second.
Photo by shattha pilabut on
The point is that you need solitude and that place can be anywhere you can find it. Next let’s address those two words that bring a shudder of knowing empathy and horror to writers everywhere, Writer’s Block. I’ve struggled with this mainly because I let myself. I thought I was supposed to have it. At least occasionally. So I invited it. Like Jonathan Harker walking into Dracula’s castle, I entered the portal to writer’s block freely and of my own will. I’m telling you that you don’t have to allow this bloodletting. So put the term writers’ block out of your mind by using whatever form of mental garlic that is effective for you. For me, it’s word prompts weekly writing challenges or even crossword puzzles. These instantly stimulate me, and I feel like I have become a better writer from them as well. Next, and an essential part of the process for me is to be constant and consistent in the writing process. This goes back to the distraction issue. Writing time is not the time to use new writing software or a program that you are just learning. If you are struggling, stick with one that you feel comfortable with or go back to what you started writing your blog posts on in the beginning. I started my blog over a year ago on my iPhone, and I’m finishing this post on it now. I’ll go back and edit on my laptop, but writing on my phone stops me from trying to edit as I write. What was that, you cry? You said to put your phone up. I meant you need to limit the distractions and focus. You get the gist so stop being so literal and listen to my last bit of basic af knowledge already. Sometimes the most crucial for me at least is to take a break from all things deemed social media every once and a while. I just did this, and it seems to have rejuvenated me. Hopefully, it lasts. If not, then I will retreat to my pantry/ closet with none to distract me, do some wordy things like prompts and challenges, and I almost forgot – take a favorite book with me. When all else fails, reading a favorite book is the cure for the non -writing blues.
Photo by Pixabay on
I love to hear from my readers. What are some of your go-to, favorite books? Leave them in the comments section below! If you couldn’t tell, one of mine is Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Until next time, thanks for reading and subscribing to my blog!

Best Quotes in History

And today on Best Quotes in History , we feature Louis XIV and Kanye West. Sometimes it makes one long for the oubliette

”Has God forgotten everything I’ve done for him ?”

-Louis XIV

“Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it? ” –

Kanye West


It’s been a long time since I’ve seen what the stars have in store for you. And it’ll probably be better that way. So kids, hoard the food, grab the hatchets, clickers in hand and of course, no peaking. The alignment of your stars works best when you practice safety first – then you can be truly blinded by the horoscope of February, the month of love. Cupid was busy for a few minutes after he suddenly ended his day the way it started.

Since we are sticking with a theme here- we know he stabbed himself over a hundred thousand times thus rendering him useless for a millennial generation.

Up first and ready for the day, our Aquarius didn’t get the memo about the first step in staying alive. Instead, he downloaded the band famous for the quip – sadly you don’t need this month’s horoscope. Or any. Ever again.

Pisces is after you, unlucky asinine bastardized demigod, and we hope that he at least can read the tea leaves and then some . This planet is really in trouble.

Gemini’s you need to come together soon and unite for the better of life and then you can throw a bipolar bar mitzvah right at the end.

Cancer is gradient and turning in -the extended black scary demon infested way that everyone knows are not our friends -way. Yes, I’m going to call it now. You’ll be the death of me.

Virgo was my pick to die off first thing. Happy to say that I was planning the wrong mass burial and it’s highflying for help for you haha…

Libra you seem to be the lucky winner of this prize package: self-inflicted death by anime. That’s all I got. Sorry, I couldn’t make it any clearer but we’re chearing you on!

The saturnine Sagittarius is clearly not to eat anything that is not vegan, soy – free, dairy -free, gluten -free and nitrogen -free.

Leo, I’m going to stop and let you know that the scary monsters are the new kings of the jungle.

Aries is born to fly. But don’t look.

Well, that’s all I know. If I left any signs out, the reason is you don’t exist.

Have a great flight and thanks for flying the toxic skies!