Over analyzing , self-doubt and faux despair topped off with a healthy dose of mirth is a necessity for a long torturous Monday .
And a unbearable run on sentence.
I love Gwyneth Paltrow. After watching Emma , I felt like we were soul sisters. After watching her play Sylvia Plath in Sylvia , I knew we were. I was legit fan girling over GP.
I really didn’t care that she was a little ( ok ,a lot ) pretentious and said things that irritated some people. Ok … MOST people When you name your kids Apple and Moses, you can do whatever you want.
And she made divorce sound beautiful, perfect and not tragic – and not like divorce.
She called her and Chris Martin’s parting an “conscious uncoupling” … how absolutely gorgeous is that ?
Soooooo, evidently I’m a little bit of a hipster so I started reading about living clean and how GP changed her life with it.
Then I saw this .
I was intrigued by the title of this book.
(Spoiler Alert : She’s lying)
It’s exhausting , cumbersome and inconvenient. And …… it’s s ridiculous. Why can’t I have a little sugar? What’s wrong with my my diet? It’s perfect! I don’t eat sugar , but I want candy !!! Unlike Marie Antoinette, let ME eat cake!
I quickly became addicted to the thought of eating “clean” . But just the thought.
Doing it was hard. It mean’t dedication. And only included only unprocessed, organic food . I won’t lie. At first , I hated it. By the third week, I was gleefully eating kelp noodles and wheat grass and drinking Mamma Chia.
I felt better. I lost weight. I stopped taking antidepressants.* I started exercises for lymphatic drainage , detox baths, doing cleanses, infrared sauna, hydrotherapy. Anything to clear those toxins out. Because they are everywhere !
Then I had a meltdown. Seriously.
That’s me. A mess. Not even a hot one. My mom even thought I was a little crazy. My friends avoided me . I wasn’t much fun to anyone. All I wanted to talk about was how your diet can cure virtually every illness in the book. Alkaline and anti -inflammatory foods became my sole topic of discussion.I didn’t leave the house. I just read about my toxic life. It only got worse. Turns out, I was only living a lie. Because then, Gwyneth announced that I had missed something.
This was worse than I had imagined . My yoni wasn’t even safe. Wait, my what ? Why does it need to be steamed? That doesn’t sound like something I would ever do. But then I read the article and it weirdly made sense. I thought to myself “where would you find a place that does this ?”
I didn’t need to worry , they were everywhere. Just like toxins. Lurking , waiting, stalking , just biding their time until your adrenals were burnt out and your precious lymphs were congested with poison.Then bam! You were fat, sick and miserable with only big Pharma as your friend.
No, I haven’t done it.
I’m not crazy.
But then I saw the one on jade eggs.
OMFG …..I didn’t watch either of these because I can’t even follow the makeup tutorials. I mean I can’t even come close to contouring …how could I steam my own vagina or stick dino eggs up there?!???!I can’t even.
I needed a break. Something was amiss.
I needed psychological help. So did my family.
I’m going to have a drink and a cigarette like my queen Gwenyth does, ponder life and write poetry.No wonder I love her.
Celebrities… they are just like us !!!!!
*Do not follow my advice. NEVER do what I did.You should never stop taking medication abruptly and without medical advice.
When you think you have found a sport that promotes women for their ability and strength and it turns out not to be the holy grail.
A famous poet once said, ” I write because there is a voice inside me that can’t be still.”
Me either. I literally can’t be still. I’m really excited about everything and I’m really, really excited when people like my writing. This is one of those times.
When Cordelia’s mom and her bunnies nominated me for the Blogger Recognition Award, I immediately started writing my acceptance speech and practiced in the mirror.
This is what I’m rambling about :
- Write a post to show your award.
- Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
- Give a brief story of how your blog started.
- Give two pieces of advice for new bloggers.
- Nominate 6-12 bloggers who you believe deserve to be recognized. Comment on their blogs, to let the nominees know they have been nominated.
Maybe I wore a tiara and went a bit overboard with my makeup.
Extra is the new basic, I’m told. Here goes:
”I’m so excited, appreciative and grateful for all the support from my family (especially my mom who isn’t impressed or even pretending to be ) my followers ( I can’t believe I have any ) and my best friends (who don’t really read my posts and really don’t exist because of them) .
Thank all of you so much.
I’m going to share a few things I’ve learned from this blogging experience that my readers might relate to . I’m serious when I say that.
Who doesn’t have a serial dater mom in skinny jeans , cyberstalking crazy person , and a daughter leaving for college ? That equals a nervous breakdown in my world. I started writing again. Because who wouldn’t ?
Writing a diary can be your best friend and sometimes your only one. I guess I didn’t realize that until I stopped writing in one .
I needed a place where I could work on myself and not be done in by myself. I didn’t care if it was popular or not (or so I said), I just wanted to write and connect with other writers . In the process, I found out there is enormous talent online. Your stories are truly inspiring , introspective and motivating .
I want to say to newcomers” write for yourself . ” Fight the urge to shut out your inner voice and be a better listener to you.
There is a phrase that I love so much that I had it engraved on my arm -so I could see it every day. It comes from one of my favorite books, “The Lake of Dead Languages” by Carol Goodman. It reminds me that writing has always been my first love. I had to find it again.
Spoiler alert: it means the heart leads you back. In Latin .
I feel a little unqualified to give advice but if I could do it over again, I would have done it like this.
1. Ask for help and take advice. There’s a good chance you’re going to need them both. I didn’t know the first thing about blogging and I didn’t ask before I dove in. I didn’t drown but it would have been easy to do.So take advantage of the help that’s out there. That’s what my goal is this year. I would appreciate any advice you have to give as well as constructive criticism.
2. Do word prompts. Often. When I can’t get the words out for a post, I can still do a word prompt. You’ll be surprised at the creative things you come up with and you might find a new niche for your writing. I love all of them and I’m constantly looking for flash fiction, poetry and writing challenges to do. If you know of any, please let me know in the comments section!
Writing is about the experience and the way you experience it.
Thanks again for listening. I’ll do my best to be an honorable, responsible and worthy recipient of this title.
I’m still waiting to be inspired by myself.
Until then, I’ll be home working on my contour and highlighting techniques with perfect eyebrows.
After all, I need to be ready for the big speech one day. I’ll end this post by mentioning these blogs that I have nominated for this award. Keep writing for yourself.”
Blogs I love include but not limited to :
Obligatorily obvious is the oldest obtusity.
I thought it meant dressing like the crazy cat lady meets Oscar the grouch. Grunge was MY aesthetic, millennial.