Cat-tastrophe

My 21 year -old daughter said she liked my snarky but painfully honest advice posts and thought they were funny. She said this while sober, so I believe her.
Since she is always sober, it is not just a detox moment. Since I’m adept at dishing out the advice that I have no intention of supping upon, I feel like I have found my niche. Granted that I take such praise from my child with a grain of salt along with tequila and lime.
In stressful situations, I like to get into character and act like certain protagonists, antagonists or both. In this case, Mrs. Bennet, of Pride and Prejudice fame seems appropriate. Because in the world of Victorian rom-com, Jane Austen is queen. That is, she would be if Elizabeth Bennett allowed it. There isn’t an exchange where I don’t have some harsh words for her entire family, friends and those unfortunate people that have to listen to her. I’m not a fangirl. But It’s fun to think how she would handle a perturbing situation. So the week before, I was anticipating the arrival of my daughter and her bestie /college roommate for a visit. I had explicitly told Rowen no when she asked if it was okay to bring Alice, their cat. The reasons are simple and included that her dad doesn’t care for cats. I like them but I’m allergic to them and our dog hates other animals.
I thought I was clear on this. Rowen said she would make other arrangements for Alice, who she lovingly calls my grandcat. I have no idea how that works. So I put this out of my mind and congratulated myself on my good parenting skills. Fast forward to the day my daughter and her college roommate arrive to spend a few days with the family. Clearly, I underestimated her.
On Thursday, I’m excited to see them both. I think nothing about Rowen calling to ask that I put Leah( my sweet, very enthusiastic Corgi ) in the backyard so they can bring their suitcases inside without her running out the door. This is a very practical and responsible request and I dutifully fulfill it. I prematurely congratulate my daughter for adulting .
Both girls pull up and I go outside to see if help is needed unloading the van. “
The doors of the van are barely open when I hear this:
Meowwww . Meowwwwww”.
I sense that something is amiss. Imagine my startled face when I was face to face with the cat named Alice. The very adorable fluffy feline that I instructed my child not to bring just last week.
In the flash it took me to realize that I wasn’t hallucinating, I regain composure. Kind of. Then I slip into Mrs. Bennett’s character and say:
”My darling daughter! I am speechless with joy that you have finally arrived to see your dearest mother and father. It seems ages ago that we last met!”
My daughter is equally pleased to see me as well and prattles on about trivial matters. Anna, the bestie, and roommate of my precious offspring kiss my cheek and steps back eying me cautiously.
”But what is that horrid thing that is yowling so miserably? I’m certain my poor nerves can’t have such hideous noise to vex me! And your much-burdened father! I’m in terror and rightly so of his own suffering from the screaming beast,“ I say mournfully.
”But mama, we had to bring her. She is a good girl and you won’t even know she’s here. She’s the sweetest cat ever, ” Rowen says .
With that one statement, she thrusts the cat into my arms. I ask for my fainting couch. Just kidding. I’m too covered in the fur cat named after a vampire in Twilight.
” Oh dearest child you know I cannot deny you anything but you have defied my wishes and your father will be most displeased. I am not pleased with this arrangement and we will speak about it later. Your father is not of a disposition that is fond of cats. You may explain yourself to him , ” I say in a huff .
He hates cats
Meanwhile, I’m trying to avoid the discovery of Alice by my husband. I fail in part by not having a good poker face. And then there’s Alice who refuses to comply.
She howls, meows and cries until she is picked up. What a diva. I sigh . She is really cute .
Leah my roly-poly ,sweetheart corgi is frantic and wants to know what that horrible noise is behind door number three. It’s not a new car though. It’s acrazy cat who is doing a great job of making her presence known.
Fast forward to bedtime and the cats out of the bag. Literally. Leah is in her bed until she hears the cat. Then whines until I get up and open the bedroom door. I’m thinking she needs water as is her nightly routine.
As soon as the door opens I hear a whimper. Leah is cowering in the hallway and Alice is on the opposite side with back arched. Both are not really sure what’s next. I’m terrified that the fur is going to fly.
”Girls, girls! Come quickly! I tell you there is no time to dally as a momentously devastating issue is unfolding! Oh, Why is the cat roaming around the great hall? The hound is going to kill her! Hurry and save it before I witness the death of a sweet gentle cat, it ruins the new floors and wakes your father up, ” I cry .
Needless to say, nothing of the sort happened and the cat is still alive and loudly announcing her countenance. Back in her own home. My dog is doing very well since she is once again the queen of her palace.
My husband is very pleased that Alice has left the building.
The end.
All pictures courtesy of Pixabay and credited as such.

GOOPED: A Reblog Of My First Post

I love Gwyneth Paltrow.  After watching Emma , I felt like we were soul sisters. After watching her play Sylvia Plath in Sylvia , I knew we were.  I was legit fan girling over GP.
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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I really didn’t care that she was a little ( ok ,a lot ) pretentious and said things that irritated some people. Ok … MOST people When you name your kids Apple and Moses, you can do whatever you want.

And she made divorce sound beautiful, perfect and not tragic – and not like divorce.
She called her and Chris Martin’s parting an “conscious uncoupling” … how absolutely gorgeous is that ?
Soooooo, evidently I’m a little bit of a hipster so I started reading about living clean and how GP changed her life with it.
Then I saw this .
attractive beautiful girl hipsterPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was intrigued by the title of this book.

(Spoiler Alert : She’s lying)
It’s exhausting , cumbersome and inconvenient. And …… it’s s ridiculous. Why can’t I have a little sugar? What’s wrong with my my diet? It’s perfect! I don’t eat sugar , but I want candy !!! Unlike Marie Antoinette, let ME eat cake!
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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I quickly became addicted to the thought of eating “clean” . But just the thought.

Doing it was hard. It mean’t dedication. And only included only unprocessed, organic food . I won’t lie. At first , I hated it. By the third week, I was gleefully eating kelp noodles and wheat grass and drinking Mamma Chia.
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Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

I felt better. I lost weight. I stopped taking antidepressants.* I started exercises for lymphatic drainage , detox baths, doing cleanses, infrared sauna, hydrotherapy. Anything to clear those toxins out. Because they are everywhere !

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Then I had a meltdown. Seriously.

That’s me. A mess. Not even a hot one.  My mom even thought I was a little crazy. My friends avoided me .  I wasn’t much fun to anyone. All I wanted to talk about was how your diet can cure virtually every illness in the book.  Alkaline and anti -inflammatory foods became my sole topic of discussion.I didn’t leave the house. I just read about my toxic life. It only got worse. Turns out, I was only living a lie. Because then, Gwyneth announced that I had missed something.
This was worse than I had imagined . My yoni wasn’t even safe. Wait, my what ? Why does it need to be steamed? That doesn’t sound like something I would ever do. But then I read the article and it weirdly made sense. I thought to myself “where would you find a place that does this ?”
I didn’t need to worry , they were everywhere. Just like toxins. Lurking , waiting, stalking , just biding their time until your adrenals were burnt out and your precious lymphs were congested with poison.Then bam! You were fat, sick and miserable with only big Pharma as your friend.
Thankfully, I found a YouTube tutorial on how to do it yourself -WHAT ?!?!!
No, I haven’t done it.
I’m not crazy.
But then I saw the one on jade eggs.
For real.
OMFG …..I didn’t watch either of these because I can’t even follow the makeup tutorials. I mean I can’t even come close to contouring …how could I steam my own vagina or stick dino eggs up there?!???!I can’t even.
I needed a break. Something was amiss.
I needed psychological help. So did my family.
I’m going to have a drink and a cigarette like my queen Gwenyth does, ponder life and write poetry.No wonder I love her.
Celebrities… they are just like us !!!!!
*Do not follow my advice. NEVER do what I did.You should never stop taking medication abruptly and without medical advice.

Blogger Recognition Award

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A famous poet once said, ” I write because there is a voice inside me that can’t be still.”

Me either. I literally can’t be still. I’m really excited about everything and I’m really, really excited when people like my writing. This is one of those times.

When Cordelia’s mom and her bunnies nominated me for the Blogger Recognition Award, I immediately started writing my acceptance speech and practiced in the mirror.

This is what I’m rambling about :

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  • Write a post to show your award.
  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Give a brief story of how your blog started.
  • Give two pieces of advice for new bloggers.
  • Nominate 6-12 bloggers who you believe deserve to be recognized. Comment on their blogs, to let the nominees know they have been nominated.

Maybe I wore a tiara and went a bit overboard with my makeup. img_1827-4

Extra is the new basic, I’m told. Here goes:

”I’m so excited, appreciative and grateful for all the support from my family (especially my mom who isn’t impressed or even pretending to be ) my followers ( I can’t believe I have any ) and my best friends (who don’t really read my posts and really don’t exist because of them) .

pexels-photo-1047442Thank all of you so much.

I’m going to share a few things I’ve learned from this blogging experience that my readers might relate to . I’m serious when I say that.

Who doesn’t have a serial dater mom in skinny jeans , cyberstalking crazy person , and a daughter leaving for college ? That equals a nervous breakdown in my world. I started writing again. Because who wouldn’t ?

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Writing a diary can be your best friend and sometimes your only one. I guess I didn’t realize that until I stopped writing in one  .

I needed a place where I could work on myself and not be done in by myself. I didn’t care if it was popular or not (or so I said), I just wanted to write and connect with other writers . In the process, I found out there is enormous talent online. Your stories are truly inspiring , introspective and motivating .

I want to say to newcomers” write for yourself . ” Fight the urge to shut out your inner voice and be a better listener to you.

There is a phrase that I love so much that I had it engraved on my arm -so I could see it every day.  It comes from one of my favorite books, “The Lake of Dead Languages” by Carol Goodman. It reminds me that writing has always been my first love. I had to find it again.

Spoiler alert: it means the heart leads you back. In Latin .

I feel a little unqualified to give advice but if I could do it over again, I would have done it like this.

1. Ask for help and take advice. There’s a good chance you’re going to need them both. I didn’t know the first thing about blogging and I didn’t ask before I dove in. I didn’t drown but it would have been easy to do.So take advantage of the help that’s out there. That’s what my goal is this year. I would appreciate any advice you have to give as well as constructive criticism.

2. Do word prompts. Often. When I can’t get the words out for a post, I can still do a word prompt. You’ll be surprised at the creative things you come up with and you might find a new niche for your writing. I love all of them and I’m constantly looking for flash fiction, poetry and writing challenges to do. If you know of any, please let me know in the comments section!

Writing is about the experience and the way you experience it.

Thanks again for listening. I’ll do my best to be an honorable, responsible and worthy recipient of this title.

I’m still waiting to be inspired by myself.

Until then, I’ll be home working on my contour and highlighting techniques with perfect eyebrows.

After all, I need to be ready for the big speech one day. I’ll end this post by mentioning these blogs that I have nominated for this award. Keep writing for yourself.”

Blogs I love include but not limited to :

Scruffy Dog Photography

Past the Isle of dogs

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The vile mint

RicardoSexton

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