Own Your Vegas Vacation Like A Griswald

I feel like it’s time to do a trip /vacation guide or do’s and don’ts of traveling to Las Vegas.I’m writing this on the way to the airport. No, I’m not driving. It’s 5:49 am the central time in case you are nosy or just a troll. Instead of annoying my husband who doesn’t want to play trivia during the 2 and 1/2 hour drive to DFW airport, I’m going to impart my travel wisdom to you, my dear readers. Consider yourself warned.

My husband and I like to travel. We’ve been doing together it for 18 years, and little has changed in our routine. By that, I mean nothing has changed- at all. I have adapted to the “The rules of Mark,” however. I’m not sure he’s adjusted to me or is just too worn out by my antics that he’s oblivious. Here’s a little bit of our routine every time.

I love consistency, so I keep my end of the partnership of marriage like I always have. I start by overpacking I like to be prepared for everything. I also love to cause more drama by skirting the weight limit on checked luggage. Today I topped in at 38.5 lbs on a 40 lbs max weight . That is unless you don’t mind being charged overage fees. My husband kind of minds this –a lot. But I still had room for one more pair of shoes … there’s always next time.

Arrive at airport hours before takeoff. My husband used to be an aviation mechanic, so he has a laundry list of reasons to get there with plenty of time to spare.

Don’t forget to wear cute shoes with heels to the airport especially if you are a clutz like me. Who needs to faceplant at 5:03 am in the TSA line on the way to Vegas …oh right, I do!

Make sure to impulse buy before boarding and don’t check your purchase. A 16 oz bottle of expensive lotion will never be noticed so sneak it on. Who would care? You’d be surprised. Now because of you, the TSA agent is smelling like roses.

Make sure you lose your drivers license or let your passport expire before a trip. Guess what you won ?EXTRA SCREENING TIME. You’ll get friendly with security fast. And unless you’re an exhibitionist and like being fondled in front of strangers while sober, it might not be for you. I consider it practice for Bourbon Street or my next life as a Vegas stripper.

Once in the plane, find all small children and sit by them – on purpose. Trade seats with someone if you have to. No flight is complete without a demon toddler that scares even the children of the corn. Maybe the plane will be delayed by them flailing on the floor. If not, then enjoy your flight and relax.

Plan how to spend the money you are going to make in Vegas. Ha.

Or if you are like me, instead of small children, sit next to the guy who loves to talk. About himself. Nonstop. Once you open your mouth and establish eye contact, it’s over so remember that. If you think 3 hours isn’t long enough to know the person sitting next to you in an airplane, you my friends sadly are WRONG. Oddly enough I know everything but his name. Nice guy but even I am worn out by this one-sided conversation and begging to jump straight into the Grand Canyon with no parachute on.

When you finally made it to Vegas, and you’re ready to show Clark Griswald how it’s done, remember to follow my advice on these next things. I hope you were paying attention because you need those skills. Hopefully, you are done talking to strangers and ready to be antisocial. We’ll see.

We’ll try a quick test. Example one :

Do you know the kiosks at the mall? With the grabby hands’ pretty lady rubbing lotion on your arm like Hannibal Lector?

What do you do? If you answered “Run, Clarice, run” then that is correct. Before she puts it on the skin, keep walking. You don’t want to be buffaloed with no bills, do you? Timeshare people are the same as kiosk lady. Flattery, guess where you are from, and you have a new bestie. What’s the harm ? A few hours of listening to a sales pitch for show tickets or whatever you signed a deal with the devil for.Every Vegas trip we resolve not to do this. Every time we get suckered into it . Every time my husband almost buys a time share . If you are dying to see Celine Dion on her eternally sinking ship tour or Britney Spears’s circus act , there are easier ways to get tickets – like donating a kidney . Trust me on this .

Next , let’s talk about panhandlers/degenerate gamblers /con -men and scammers . I know that cute old woman who was kidnapped and stranded by her caregiver on the Vegas strip with no money or food or identification or medication for her enlarged heart murmur or failing kidneys has you in tears BUT put a bandaid on your bleeding heart . Now . You’re going to be living on the streets of Vegas if you listen to these types of sob stories . So walk fast , put your sunglasses on and if approached, speak in Russian or German or any language that can’t be understood .

Remember the nice airplane guy? Now imagine a million smelly ones.

All because you weren’t vigilant and unfriendly.

That’s really all I have right now I guess it all boils down to this. On vacation, channel your inner Regina and take no prisoners . A resting bitch face is always the best accessory Act like a boss, and you’ll be treated like one. You aren’t in Vegas to make friends. Or relatives. You don’t need another grandma. Or timeshare ocean front property in Colorado, Iowa or Kansas.

And you don’t need any expensive hand lotion.

Advertisements