It’s time for the holidays and so naturally , it’s time to talk about relatives .There comes a point where you have to decide what’s more important . Good relations with your relations or your sanity . Because I’ve decided you can’t have both .
If you have a wonderfully functioning family like I do , you’ll understand that it didn’t happen overnight .Peace, love and joy don’t just happen , you have to make them happen. Here’s a few tips on dealing with the stress of the season and keeping out of family squabbles .
Since just about the entire human race depends on Instagram , Twitter , Facebook and CNN to give us accurate , timely news ,my first tip is so simple a Geico caveman can do it .
Delete your loved ones . No , not permanently. I’m not a psychopath .I’m talking about delete them online . Get rid of all family on social media and blame it on a hacker. This is probably the easiest solution when dealing with serious drama like ” you know I think Uncle Dave’s turkey was too dry last year , don’t you agree ?” or “Aunt Mabel ,you know ugly Christmas sweater karaoke was my idea “. By being out of the loop , you’ll be really surprised when Uncle Eddie corrals you into the Reynolds Redneck Christmas video that he is planning to spam the entire planet with.
Fake amnesia . A little harder to pull off but any good actor can summon the forgetful and oblivious spirit we all have deep inside .
Start every family conversation with a disclaimer . That way you won’t be liable for anything you say or do . It’s not your fault for hurting Aunt Bessie Sue’s feelings after all . She was warned that nobody likes her green bean casserole and your disclaimer will remind her . Politely .
These are really the only options you have when dealing with” Tis the Season” craziness . Or the only options that make any sense at all.
When faced with A:Knowing about your death for the entire holiday season and agonizing over it or B. Being blissfully unaware until the annihilation, I’d go with the second option everytime.
My last tip is the most important one . This is to print the waiver that you’ve carefully worded to include any all possible scenarios for the actual day and bring a lot of copies . Have each relative sign it before you even so much as hug them and obviously before you compliment them on the ugly sweater you forgot to wear . This waiver will state that because you were hacked , have amnesia and started all conversations with a disclaimer ,that you can’t be blamed for anything .
This is called going the extra mile to extradite yourself from this ridiculousness . You’ll have to get creative here but you can do it when you consider the consequences …
Like singing bass when you’re really a tenor ,in your family’s ugly Christmas sweater singing and dancing extravaganza. Coming to a YouTube near you thanks to dear old Uncle Eddie .
I hope this has been helpful and given you hope for this joyous time of year . Because the struggle is real but it doesn’t have to be.
And like a celebrity, I'm just like everyone else...
I hope my readers will find my blog relatable to the idiosyncrasies , craziness and flaws that we all have. If you are perfect, I'm sorry and congratulations .This might not be the feeble attempt at a blog for you .PLEASE email me and give me your secret. It will save me a lot writing .
I just read a piece about how my authors “ about me “page is probably boring everyone to death. I apologize but my first claim to fame was in Eighth grade when one of my teachers read a story I had written to the class. I don’t remember what exactly it was about but the first sentence was “Coma. Unconscious. “.
You see where I am going with this. I was an instant star and most likely to write a book .