Versailles Vichyssoise


Previously on Historical horoscopes, we left the Madame Dubarry in line to be acknowledged by the Dauphine only to be snubbed at the last moment.

Am I guessing you have already heard the news around the court this morning? No? I’m shocked! So the foolish little foreigner has snubbed the favorite, the acolyte, the mistress of the king! What is she thinking? Did you hear what she said? In her own words and in front of the most influential people in court, the Dauphine upon learning the position of the DuBarry announced that she would be her rival! It’s too bad that she didn’t understand what she had said or is it? The court is so boring without the blunders of the Austrian fool.

It appears that it has been explained what it means to amuse the king in detail and the naive Antoinette is now outraged that the wanton woman is at court. I’m told she even refuses to acknowledge her and is being encouraged in this by the King’s sisters, who love causing mischief. Even the Paris fishwives are betting today’s catch on what will happen next.

In the Dauphine’s apartments stands the advisor and friend -of the formidable Empress Marie Thérèse- who you remember is one bomb ass bitch to tangle with. The only female ruler of the Hapsburg dominions and last of the Hapsburg dynasty was born on May 13, 1717, and like the Taurus, she is practical. So her horoscope says just as you’d think:

“Be sure to tie up the loose ends of your latest endeavors and insist that the business is conducted without petty and senseless drama. Start with your daughter who is the main hic

The Compte de Mercy -Argenteau aka Mercy to his friends- is the Austrian ambassador and has a crappy job. His birthday is April 20, 1727, and so he is a Taurus as well but he isn’t too pleased with what the stars take on this day:

Tread lightly with your present task and take care to not offend anyone while at the same time persuading them. As a foreigner in this court of extravagance and pretty words, the enemies aren’t easy to spot. Diplomacy is the word to learn to keep your head.

Previously we learned that this marriage is supposed to cement the Austrian alliance with France. Since the last update, you can bet that the Austrian empress and French king are not too terribly happy that the Dauphine is making waves by refusing to speak to the king’s favorite- Madame DuBarry and an intervention is in progress. Mercy who is Marie-Antoinette’s only countryman at court who also tattletales to her mother. The poor soul has been sent to give her some gentle prodding and/or put the fear of God into the young girl. Never mind that Antoinette is only acting her age, which is 15. It’s not an excuse for frivolous behavior because when you live in the 17th century you skip the teenage years.

So how does the Empress convey her motherly love and constructive criticism from miles away? Why, in a letter, of course. , Read by Mercy to Madame Antoinette, who is probably a little concerned this morning. She should be but not for the reason she is and that is what to wear for the masquerade ball tonight.

Mercy is not a big fan of playing the stern advisor and he is probably a little nervous about pissing off the future queen of France. He clears his throat and starts to read the letter:

My dearest child,

I hope you are in good health, (blah, blah, blah )but let’s get to the real reason for this letter. I hear that as the orders to obey the King and speak to his mistress are not being heeded. In the words of the king himself, he says he finds Antoinette’s a charming, sweet disposition, and she is accomplished at singing and dancing. But then he states that he is not going to put up with your childish antics and you had better do what he says. Now. I command it and I don’t want to tell you again. Listen, child. I had to swallow a lot of pride and ignore the fact that I hate the King, who is a fat, pompous prig but I did it because I hate the English more and you needed a husband too. So, this marriage is hella important – so suck it up buttercup, because your dear mama told you to. By acting like a brat and ignoring the King’s mistress you are making me look like a loser, ruining my good name, endangering the already fractious alliance and causing more drama in an already notorious court. And above all, giving me a migraine. I’m ordering you to say something anything to Madame Dubarry. I didn’t say you needed to be BFF’s but you can say two words. I know you want to make me happy so don’t make me tell you again. Also, I hear that you are still not trying to provide an heir to the throne so that needs to happen like right now. And you need to stop acting like a teenager and staying out past curfew, it’s not really a good idea for the future queen to have fun. I’m told you like gambling, dancing and are fond of sweets. In case you didn’t know, the French finances are in bad shape so excessive spending needs to stop, and too many cupcakes will make you unattractive to your husband. I tell you this only because I love you. And the future of France rests on your empty little head – or it would if there was room. We’ll talk about the gossip concerning your three-foot tall hairpieces next week. Tata for now and I send my love.”

I hear that the Dauphine expressed tears at disappointing her mother. Just because you are miles away, married and the future queen of the most powerful court in the world doesn’t mean you don’t listen to your mother. The Dauphine’s horoscope seems to be sent straight from her mama herself :

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Will the advice be heeded or will the standoff continue? Auvoir for now…

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