Monthly Archives: September 2018

Versailles Vichyssoise

Previously on Historical horoscopes, we left the Madame Dubarry in line to be acknowledged by the Dauphine only to be snubbed at the last moment.

Am I guessing you have already heard the news around the court this morning? No? I’m shocked! So the foolish little foreigner has snubbed the favorite, the acolyte, the mistress of the king! What is she thinking? Did you hear what she said? In her own words and in front of the most influential people in court, the Dauphine upon learning the position of the DuBarry announced that she would be her rival! It’s too bad that she didn’t understand what she had said or is it? The court is so boring without the blunders of the Austrian fool…

img_2116It appears that it has been explained what it means to amuse the king in detail and the naive Antoinette is now outraged that the wanton woman is at court. I’m told she even refuses to acknowledge her and is being encouraged in this by the King’s sisters, who love causing mischief. Even the Paris fishwives are betting today’s catch on what will happen next.

In the Dauphine’s apartments stands the Compte de Mercy -Argenteau , the Austrian ambassador and friend of the formidable Empress Marie Thérèse- who you remember is one bomb ass bitch to tangle with. The only female ruler of the Hapsburg dominions and last of the Hapsburg dynasty was born on May 13, 1717, and like the Taurus, she is practical. So her horoscope says just as you’d think:

“Be sure to tie up the loose ends of your latest endeavors and insist that the business is conducted without petty and senseless drama. Start with your daughter who is the main hiccup.”

Mercy, on the other hand is a Taurus as well but he isn’t too pleased with what the stars take on this day:

“Tread lightly with your present task and take care to not offend anyone while at the same time persuading them. As a foreigner in this court of extravagance and pretty words, the enemies aren’t easy to spot. Diplomacy is the word to learn to keep your head.”

img_2110Previously we learned that this marriage is supposed to cement the Austrian alliance with France. Since the last update, you can bet that the Austrian empress and French king are not too terribly happy that the Dauphine is making waves by refusing to speak to the king’s favorite- Madame DuBarry and an intervention is in progress. Mercy who is Marie-Antoinette’s only countryman at court also tattletales to her mother. The poor soul has been sent to give her some gentle prodding and/or put the fear of God into the young girl. Never mind that Antoinette is only acting her age, which is 15. But that’s no excuse for her frivolous behavior -because when you live in the 17th century you skip the teenage years.

So how does the Empress convey her motherly love and constructive criticism from miles away? Why, in a letter, of course. , Read by Mercy to Madame Antoinette, who is probably a little concerned this morning. She should be but not for the reason she is and that is what to wear for the masquerade ball tonight.

img_2117Mercy is not a big fan of playing the stern adviser and he is probably a little nervous about pissing off the future queen of France. He clears his throat and starts to read the letter:

My dearest child,

I hear that the orders to obey the King and speak to his mistress are not being heeded. In the words of the king himself, he says he finds you charming, a sweet disposition, and accomplished at singing and dancing. But then he states that he is not going to put up with your childish antics and you had better do what he says. Listen, child. I had to swallow a lot of pride and ignore the fact that I hate the King, who is a fat, pompous prig but I did it because I hate the English more. So, this marriage is hella important – so suck it up buttercup.  By acting like a brat and ignoring the King’s mistress you are making me look like a loser, ruining my good name, endangering the already fractious alliance and above all, giving me a migraine. Also, I hear that you are still not trying to provide an heir to the throne so that needs to happen like right now. And you need to stop acting like a teenager and staying out past curfew .

Love ,Mama

I’m told the Dauphine expressed tears at disappointing her mama but giggled at her horoscope:

“Hairstyles rising up to three feet will be in vogue. The future of France rests on your empty little head – or it would if there was room.”

Will the advice be heeded or will the standoff continue? Auvoir for now…


September Horror-scopes

For those of you who are interested in the world of the unknown and the mysterious ways of the unseen, I ask you to consider this : Your horoscope (especially if you are in a scary movie )should be helpful, right? I agree. Well ,my friends and perhaps even foe, you can sit back and take your shoes off, have a drink and above all ,don’t worry. I have your back. Read on and don’t look behind you.

But first, a word from our sponsors :

The following is brought to you by Texas Chainsaw Massacre Friends and Family Alumni Association. That is, it would be -if they were alive.

Aries: You are hungry today but avoid the meat market at all costs. Jupiter in your life cycle has a destructive power that you can avoid as long as you stay vegan.

Capricorn:  Despite the way you try to ignore the people who love you, it is especially important that you don’t start paying attention to them now. Stay away and stay alive.

Gemini: Venus and Mars in the upper right corner of a lunar season will help you stay strong and luck is in there, hopefully- you need it.

Pisces: You are on a roll today. A sushi roll. Mercury in retrograde will help you keep swimming.

Virgo: Now is not the time to relax in a hot bath with a good book and a glass of wine. Lock the doors and hide.

Libra: Neptune is somewhat dormant this month so you’re on your own. Don’t waste time compromising with crazy relatives and save your breath for when you need it.

Sagittarius: A move to Siberia might be advisable right now.

Taurus: Listening to rumors about the people who live in the hills is not only a really bad movie but your best option today.

Cancer: A word of warning to you is to see what happens to the other signs that aren’t listening to their horoscopes.

Leo: I don’t see anything good in your stars today. PS: don’t buy that lipstick. You won’t need it.

Aquarius: With Pluto on the dark side of the moon this month,it is a total eclipse for you.

Scorpio: The sun is not in the cards for you this month. Concern yourself with survival. Oh, and about that midnight snack you will want tonight, it’s the last thing you need. Stay away from the kitchen and go to sleep.

Next month will be killer so I expect your undivided appendix… I mean attention.

Basic AF horoscope

As we creep nearer to the month of October, it’s time to get those skeletons out of the closet and practice our cackle. Halloween is coming. I love Halloween, Not only for the true history of this magical night but the Americanized way we do it. I know it’s a little early but no time like the present, right? Also, my daughter keeps suggesting that I do funny horoscopes. So with this in mind, I’m ready to reveal a puzzling truth .It’s the one day that I can let the black cat out of the bag. What’s this, you ask? Calm down and breathe deeply, for I am going to tell you a secret about me that no one knows.

I am really a VIRGO.

It’s true. My birthday says Libra, but my real sign says, Virgo. My daughter is the one who pointed this out. She, in fact, was convinced of it Her reasoning was sound and she offered up the proof.

Enter exhibit A:

Jenna Marbles is immediately filling the television screen. I knew the similarities in our personalities wasn’t because I’m from Rochester, New York. Since I’m not a you-tuber either, I guess it’s because I’m a comedian. My sweet girl kindly tells me that’s not it. In the episode that is playing, it hits me. It’s because we are both blondes. Still no. My daughter is practicing for her career as a prosecutor and here is her burden of proof. Jenna and I are both really intense, particular and (maybe ) a little crazy. In a fun way, not a serial killers way. As soon as you can say October, it’s clear to me that my entire existence has been a lie.

I don’t want to discredit the many people who believe in astrology and I don’t want to offend the scales of libra justice but someone’s stars got crossed. I needed answers. In the study of astrology, I am no expert. I’m not even a novice. So I decided to find out how this grave mistake was made.

So like any seasoned scholar, I googled it.

Convinced that I must be on the cusp, I learn that I am not on the cusp, cliff or edge of Virgo-city. I am indeed a Libra. I am really surprised. Surprised that I am interested in more research on this fascinating subject.

This morning, I decided to delve deeper. I was not prepared for what I learned. As a skeptic, I’m not going to be easy to sway so the sun signs needed to up their game. Google took me to where I actually read through the September horoscopes blindly and then picked out the one that most applied to my life right now. Not really, I didn’t need the confusion of “What if I am really a …Scorpio?” Coincidence or not, I will admit to being amazed at what it said for the month of September. Because it was dead on the mark and completely relevant to me at this time. I would say ”thank my lucky stars ” but I won’t.

As it turns out, I didn’t need to worry. I really am a Libra, after all.

It’s a huge relief. I felt like the equilibrium of my life force was restored and I was….still confused.

As I’m wrapping up this post I stumble across this balance shifting news. Astrostyle refers me to Vedic (or Hindu astrology )and guesses what? According to the Vedic Birth Chart, I am a VIRGO. Facepalm. Here we go again.

It’s obvious that more research is needed for my study. As I have been doing the whole of my existence, I’ll procrastinate while taking this with a grain of salt. Thrown over my left shoulder. It’s time to get in the spirit of the season, after all.