I’m not really an expert on faking it . Ask anyone who knows me , what I feel is usually written all over my face . Today I will test the limits of my superpowers and use my nurse face at the family reunion.
Not sure if this is enough to fool the relatives , I’ve prepared myself for the inevitable ,fear of death inducing questions about myself that I don’t want to answer. Here are a few sample questions and how I’ll handle it .
- How have you been ?
Real me thinks since when ? Birth ? Death of my dog when I was 10 ? Last night? Because since last night ,I’m in a horrid mood and would love to be anywhere but here .
Instead I say “Good . How about you ? I love your dress , you look so good ! ”
2. “How are your kids ?”
Real Me: “I only have one so I don’t know about the other one you want me to have ,except it’s not happening .”
Instead ,socially graceful me says “Perfect , just like I always knew they’d be .” And I’ll laugh just a little playfully ,in case they think I’m serious.
Next someone will ask where the kids are .
Real Me : I have no idea. I’m not on Facebook so I don’t really have any clue but if you see them online tell them I said hello.
Instead I say “Off saving the universe as usual. So much good to do in this world, don’t waste a minute when you could be helping others . That’s what we’ve always told them .
In case they need to ask something job related and I’m sure they will because what else can you talk about with perfect strangers, I’ll tell them what they want to hear .
“Yesterday , I had a patient who kept pulling their chest tube out and I didn’t know I had mucous all over my scrubs and I went to the grocery store like that !”
And I’ll eat while laughing at this too common problem of mine . Lol ,I think.
Now that I’m feeling confident on those topics of socially awkward situations that are going to happen, I’ll share with you the other ways I have prepared myself to deal with this dreaded day.
These are based on previously learned lessons . I’m all about the experience gained from the past but I’m still destined to repeat it .
Don’t be hung over and don’t have any alcohol on your breath . Repeat to yourself “You are a Baptist today. ” Over and over until you feel like one .
Do take an extra Xanax. Blame it on low blood sugar if you pass out . You will have an excuse for an early exit .
Do not go for the natural look . No matter what , err on the side of overdone . Remember you are in Texas . Big hair and too much blush equals wealth and happiness.
Eat a lot . If you don’t , you are either anorexic, on drugs , afraid of being poisoned or insulting the people who have cooked it .
Don’t forget to bring something . No one cares that you worked 85 hours last week and then built a homeless shelter in the spare time you didn’t have. That’s no excuse.
Now the party is over and as usual, I’m going to admit that I didn’t prepare myself for everything. I was just arriving when I was suddenly dumbfounded and at a loss in every way . It came from a sweet, innocent face that I love dearly .
After a hug and kiss , my 10-year-old and adorable red-headed freckle faced niece said ” Aunt Amy , did you know that some makeup has whale barf in it ? I hope yours doesn’t. ”
I almost panicked and told her some of the sad things they do in the name of beauty but I summoned my nurse face and handled it. Then whispered “No , but it does smell like peaches.” and kissed her cheek.