Basic AF Baking 101


I’m not exactly what you would call Betty Crocker or even Martha Stewart- before or after her prison stint (or friendship with Snoop. )

It’s just not my thing . I guess it’s not a big deal that I’m not- until it’s time to do it. Why do I always volunteer for things that I suck at ? It’s my nature to try to be good at something that I haven’t had a lot of success at . It’s the same reason people go on American Idol . Someone lied to them when they were young and said they were going to be star someday. Or like me ,they like pain and decided making a three tiered chocolate cake with bacon icing in the shape of the Eiffel Tower was a good idea. Thanks YouTube and Pinterest. I blame you for almost everything I’ve ever tried to do and failed.

 I have none of these things as motivation . In my defense, I have a good heart and a lot of pride. And not enough sense to say no . I’m not going to admit that I don’t bake . I don’t know if this is hubris or stupidity . Baking cookies isn’t rocket science but who has time for that. And who doesn’t want to be the envy of the Pinterest world. It is really a great time to be alive when you are creative. And if you aren’t creative, it’s still okay. You are the only person who knows that you didn’t really make that.

I pick the hardest things to bake and I have the loftiest goals for my Instagram worthy efforts . It’s like I don’t remember the last time I was feeling like making desserts my bitch, and had a good meltdown -causing me run to the neighborhood bakery (because I don’t have a problem with wasting time and money for my own sanity.)

I am going to be Martha Stewart for one day , only cooler . Like Gwyneth if she actually ate food with calories. Watch out foodies , this is how it’s done .

Five minutes in and I’m out of patience and wine . Time for plan B . You may call it deception but in my book it’s called ingenious and a sanity saver.

It’s also not my problem that you think it tastes like Sara Lee was here .

Here’s my secret to making you look , feel and be a baking diva .

  1. First , scribble out the name on the bakery box and then burn the packaging evidence. This is just an extra precaution in case you have guests that like to dig in your trash.

  2. A little repackaging in a eco -friendly box with a cute label and a big bow – that you just happened to make in your free time, because you are perfect should seal the deal .

If you want to go the distance and make it seem like you started your own bakery then you can add this last step.

3. No one can bake like Granny , so pick a random name that sounds sweet like Lou and you have “Granny Lou’s Famous Crap Cakes” . They are going to sell like crazy . It’s the science of capitalism and the American way.

Is this cheating or ingenuity? Who’s the real winner when you have a splendid chocolate cream pie that you can serve your guests with a smile? And then laugh (because you are such a perfect specimen of your sex )that you were getting a facial while the bakery did the work .

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be a queen at all things . I guess I don’t care if I’m basic af . It’s a really good time to embrace it. I have been a lot of things but I’m not afraid to be the face of the sum of my faults. Who else is going to care if your eyebrows look like you are going through a lot more than a few bad choices ? Nobody , that’s who.

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