I’m not exactly what you would call Betty Crocker or even Martha Stewart- before or after her prison stint (or friendship with Snoop. )
It’s just not my thing . I guess it’s not a big deal that I’m not- until it’s time to do it. Why do I always volunteer for things that I suck at ? It’s my nature to try to be good at something that I haven’t had a lot of success at . It’s the same reason people go on American Idol . Someone lied to them when they were young and said they were going to be star someday. Or like me ,they like pain and decided making a three tiered chocolate cake with bacon icing in the shape of the Eiffel Tower was a good idea. Thanks YouTube and Pinterest. I blame you for almost everything I’ve ever tried to do and failed.
I have none of these things as motivation . In my defense, I have a good heart and a lot of pride. And not enough sense to say no . I’m not going to admit that I don’t bake . I don’t know if this is hubris or stupidity . Baking cookies isn’t rocket science but who has time for that. And who doesn’t want to be the envy of the Pinterest world. It is really a great time to be alive when you are creative. And if you aren’t creative, it’s still okay. You are the only person who knows that you didn’t really make that.
I pick the hardest things to bake and I have the loftiest goals for my Instagram worthy efforts . It’s like I don’t remember the last time I was feeling like making desserts my bitch, and had a good meltdown -causing me run to the neighborhood bakery (because I don’t have a problem with wasting time and money for my own sanity.)
I am going to be Martha Stewart for one day , only cooler . Like Gwyneth if she actually ate food with calories. Watch out foodies , this is how it’s done .
Five minutes in and I’m out of patience and wine . Time for plan B . You may call it deception but in my book it’s called ingenious and a sanity saver.
It’s also not my problem that you think it tastes like Sara Lee was here .
Here’s my secret to making you look , feel and be a baking diva .
First , scribble out the name on the bakery box and then burn the packaging evidence. This is just an extra precaution in case you have guests that like to dig in your trash.
A little repackaging in a eco -friendly box with a cute label and a big bow – that you just happened to make in your free time, because you are perfect should seal the deal .
If you want to go the distance and make it seem like you started your own bakery then you can add this last step.
3. No one can bake like Granny , so pick a random name that sounds sweet like Lou and you have “Granny Lou’s Famous Crap Cakes” . They are going to sell like crazy . It’s the science of capitalism and the American way.
Is this cheating or ingenuity? Who’s the real winner when you have a splendid chocolate cream pie that you can serve your guests with a smile? And then laugh (because you are such a perfect specimen of your sex )that you were getting a facial while the bakery did the work .
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be a queen at all things . I guess I don’t care if I’m basic af . It’s a really good time to embrace it. I have been a lot of things but I’m not afraid to be the face of the sum of my faults. Who else is going to care if your eyebrows look like you are going through a lot more than a few bad choices ? Nobody , that’s who.
So ,it’s that time of year again. What’s that ,you ask ? I’ll give you three hints, the first two don’t count and the answer is not Tornado season.
It seems the uncultured might need a little help with this one . I mean that affectionately ,of course .I’m from Texas and the only time you need to watch out is if I end a sentence with ” Bless Your Heart .”
It’s called “The most exciting 2 minutes in sports.” It’s when ladies get to wear hats. BIG HATS . The most extravagant ,outlandish ,sometimes ridiculous hats that would make Marie Antoinette green with envy .
And these big hat wearing ladies drink Mint juleps. Because being that extra is a pain in the neck . My apologies ,Marie . I lost my head on that little funny .
Oh yeah , and there is also a horse race . I almost forgot about that . The horses are the real stars of this fabulous event . It’s called The Kentucky Derby after all. It’s the day that we get to see the glorious, beautiful and sometimes strangely named thoroughbreds . That is the world of horse racing. It’s a really important day for these horses. The winner gets a rose blanket and has his picture taken with his humans. What a great way to be appreciated after you just won a ton of money . Then, we have to give a little credit to the jockeys who have a little part in this majestic sport of kings. But, just a little .
By now you know what I’m so excited about today. Hats, liquor and horses . In that order. I am all about the three prestigious races that define the upper echelon of the mega rich horse racing world.
It’s my chance to live vicariously through the dreamily perfect, blue hydrangea scented lives of the unscrupulously rich . Pearls and designer dresses are my aesthetic. My bank account jus doesn’t know it.
Enough of the boring old money types and on with the topic of today’s post .
It’s always a gamble who to place your bets on . I don’t pretend that I’m in the know or Tyler Henry but I’m not a virgin when it comes to horse racing. I have been to a few races . I haven’t picked a winner but I’m going to one day .
I’m going to ignore the track conditions at Churchill Downs and pretend I have no idea what horses are good mudders. It’s not really pretending because I really don’t.
Instead , I am going to give you my predictions for this race based on how cute I think the horse is and how much I like their name. Normally, this is not how it’s done but I think it’s a lot more entertaining than the strategy the experts use.
This is a two -part post today so I will be announcing my predictions later this afternoon, after the race. Actually ,at 3:00 CST.
Spoiler alert : I will also reveal my favorite names if I was a horse namer. I am a shoe-in for this position. I have some great ideas in this department but I can’t tell you before I copyright them.
In trying to downplay my basic af status , I’ve picked up a new hobby . I’m learning to play golf .
I won’t lie about it . The cute golf clothes were at first my motivating factor . Fashion is as good a reason as any to try new things .
I’m what you call “athletically challenged” but I always thought golf looked so easy a caveman could do it . I mean , let’s face it . You hit the ball with a stick into a hole. That’s what I’ve learned by seeing golf on tv .
Not that I’ve spent much time on it, because it’s similar to watching dead grass grow . Seriously, how hard could it be to get a ball into a hole . I’m going to tell you that it is really hard . After a few missed putts , I had to channel my inner Happy Gilmore . Turns out coaxing the golf ball to go home doesn’t actually work.
My husband is a good golfer and he has the utmost patience with me . I’m trying to learn the same patience with myself. Like all beginners , I want to skip the basics and be a pro like right now .
I’ve never played or even held a golf club before 3 weeks ago . My husband started teaching me the basics in our backyard. We used wiffle balls . I was driving off the tee fairly well when he said to try a real ball because “you won’t be able to hit it far .” I hit it over the fence ,across the alley ,and almost took out our 90 year old neighbor.
Before getting a chance to yell “Fore” , my husband yells “Quick , go inside !” We run into the house before she spots us . I knew I was the next big thing at that moment.
Our daughter ,who has the wisdom and superiority of every college student, thinks it’s cute that I’m really into becoming a golf pro . She also has the confidence and cockiness of the seasoned softball pitcher that she is. “Let me try that ” she says and swings the club . The effect is similar to a drunk ballerina who is backhandedly swatting a fly . I suppress a laugh when she says “golf is harder than it looks .”
All jokes aside , I have learned a few new things about myself by discovering golf . Perhaps I have just rediscovered them . Here’s a short list .
I’m not allergic to sports, the great outdoors or the sun.
I haven’t lost the persistent determination I had in the 6th grade when I ran a 5k and came in last place . Like seriously last place. The other runners had already gone home when I crossed the finish line.
I like cute clothes . Wait, I already knew that .
I am harder on myself than anyone else is .
I want to succeed at everything I try . Not that I’ve mastered my eyebrow game but I’m working on it.