There are a few things I think I’d be good at. My dream job is a toss up between advice columnist and the person who comes up with the names of lipsticks.

The reason why I’m good at giving advice is that I don’t care if I hurt your feelings. That’s the most important thing in giving my life’s woeful wisdom to the huddled masses: Tough love.

I have no feelings so I don’t have a problem making you feel poorly about your choices. I also have done most of the things that you are doing and I lived to tell the tale. You may not feel better after asking me for my advice but you probably won’t feel much worse. Just a little bit foolish for not knowing better.

Celebrities are my dream clients. I have plenty of advice for some of them like sex tapes are a good way to get famous if you don’t have any real talent and just want a reality show.

As far as my other dream job goes, lipstick is kinda my favorite thing so naming the shades would be easy. I often buy lipstick just for the name alone. If they didn’t want you to do that, they wouldn’t name the cutest shade of pink bliss “Kittens” – now would they.

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