The Holiday Feels

I try to avoid one thing at all costs, every day, every hour, every minute. And no, it’s not Costco.

It’s those dreaded annoyances called feelings. I vehemently hate the Hallmark channel. So unrealistic, full of the pseudo- cheerful people who despite their sad lives and the dreary weather somehow still believe in the Christmas spirit, the goodness of others and Macy’s.

People need to stop wasting time on emotions.

Do I hurt your feelings? If I didn’t mean to, I don’t see how that constitutes a reaction on my part. Watch Hallmark’s ridiculous sap story of the day and eat chocolate, drink wine, cuddle your dog- whatever you do to raise your oxytocin levels and deal. You’ll be fine.

Whenever I’m feeling sad, I consider some important things. The most important part is your mascara. Do you love it? Is it waterproof? Is the scary clown look your go-to aesthetic? No ? Then suck it up. You are not sad, you are fine.

Also, go to the mirror. Look closely at yourself. Now- be sad. How do you look?

Remember this, if you have a round face, crying will make you look like a puffer fish. Not a good look for anyone. You are an ugly cryer – so stop.

So out with TV’s glorified idea that Christmas is not Christmas if you are pitiful, alone and drinking hot tea with your thirty cats.

So that’s it, really. I can’t stand the Hallmark channel. It doesn’t mean I’m heartless. I’m just not going to sit in an old, fat guy’s lap and whisper what I want for Christmas in his ear ( except for one time, don’t judge – I see you behind me ).

It just means that good mascara is hard to find and I don’t like clowns.