Feng Shui Don’t

I have every book on Feng Shui written. They usually sit prettily on the coffee table, never opened unless it’s while I am feigning royal indifference and superiority over the peasants that have come to call.

When you enter my front door, it hits you like the most abysmal wave of desolation. The sad,

dismal fact is that the chi is all off in my house.

I consulted my books while doing yoga and envisioned an early start to what will never happen: A peaceful mix of yin/yang/jasmine and this gem that was inside my mass- produced, stale, tasteless fortune disguised as a cookie.I think it said .. “Don’t poison the sweet little heathens and you will be blessed with leftover candy. “ It might not have said that exactly but something of the sort.

I was in need of a chakra adjustment. If the energy screamed in horror now, what would the aftermath be?

It was time to cleanse these walls.Time was of the essence. I was Rose on the Titanic and we were sinking into the freezing water … And there was no room for Jack. My aura was off.

I love Halloween so much I wish it was all year long.The start of the holidays is on Friday, October 13th this year. Yes, I know that Halloween is meant to be celebrated throughout the entirety of October but I’m a procrastinator.

Since this day is the bane of all that is unholy, evil or somehow unpleasant, I needed to do whatever it took to keep the hexes away from me.White Sage has not mentioned anywhere in Eastern Culture to my limited knowledge ( if it is, please let me know… I dislike being ignorant. )

I cleaned my house with it anyway while chanting the Roman Catholic Exorcism prayers. At least that is what I call them. Thank you, Google.It worked satisfactorily even if it did leave a nauseating stench.It also produced quite the nasty headache/ nausea duo that wasn’t dissimilar to a hangover.I had to consider that I had stirred up something Bad since I I was afflicted by the worst stabbing pain in both temples. Or maybe it was too much red wine the night before.After much consideration, I rearranged the living room by leaving the cobwebs in the corner where I found them.So I may hurt my finger, nearly broke a toe; the dog’s back and left leg had a nearly catastrophic event truly worthy of a Friday the 13th and almost caught the neighborhood on fire with a vile, smelly, smoking stick of superstition.I still haven’t achieved inner balance, relaxation or flatter abs or the name, brand or color of the perfect red lipstick.

I did put flowing water in the entryway of my house – facing north. It’s supposed to bring wealth, prosperity and happiness in through the mouth of the Chi, which is, of course, the front door.Let the fun ( if you say so )begin! Please send me your holiday pet peeves, drunken office party horror stories, kissing cousins, and of course – in-laws from hell coping mechanisms and sanity savers.