The other night while filming my new video on YouTube (that I appropriately called) “Shopping with Ambien,” I had an epiphany of sorts. Of course, I’m joking. I don’t have a YouTube channel or Ambien. My therapist cured me of those bad habits( another joke- you can laugh .)
So -my half-asleep self-was pondering the whole “life after death ” conundrum.
While most people ask the noble but boring questions like “Why am I here… What is my purpose in life … What are the winning lottery numbers ?”
I want to know “Who let the dogs out ?” and “If there was a spirit world, would my ghost dogs still know me? ”
As I was saying, in between the insanity and string theory of insomnia, I see this infomercial.
You can call a psychic and get all the answers you want for a small fee.
If you aren’t satisfied and if it’s not the best reading you’ve ever had, it’s free!
This girl says so and I think she looks trustworthy.
If you can get your fortune with a money back guarantee, what do you have to lose? This is better than drunk girls predicting the weather using body parts, my daughter with her ridiculously expensive Tarot cards(that she can’t read) and your grandma’s age-old wisdom. It has to be true because I saw it on the internet.
Psychics and mediums are nothing new. I impose no judgments on trying to exploit a vulnerable person’ weaknesses for money. I have one little problem, though. No one ever never asks the REAL questions – to anyone interesting. Like ever.
People, Uncle Bob, has no clue where the money is, he doesn’t care if you have unresolved guilt because you let him choke to death on a Fruit Loop and he also wishes you had something better to do than making him talk through a Parker Brothers game in a dark room.
Uncle Bob is trying to enjoy the afterlife, floating down the Styx and revel in the experience of just being dead.
Since it’s almost Halloween, I’ve decided to have some fun and help you poor, misguided souls out. I’m sure that, just like me, you want the important answers.
Like Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters and Oprah, I want the life-changing information.
So here’s what I would ask if I could from some of my favorite people in history.
Things that matter, subjects that will shape the future.
I have been preparing these questions for the majority of my life so I’m excited.
- Alexander Hamilton, we’ll start with you. What were you thinking?
The Reynolds Pamphlet was so extra that you should have owned a chewing gum factory.
2. AaronBurr, no questions for you. I just wanted to say that you suck. Luckily for the rest of us, Leslie Odom is hot. Thanks for making the insufferable at least attractive.
3. Anne Boleyn. I have some profound, soul-searching questions for you but I can’t remember what they were off the top of my head.
4.Marie Antoinette, I’ve always wanted to know if you had neck problems (from your elaborate hairstyles) before you lost your head and if the guillotine was somehow therapeutic. Also, did you say “brioche” or “cake” when you started a revolution?
5. I almost forgot my favorite occult obsessed, lovable crazy house builder – Sarah Winchester. No questions for you either.
Just wanted to say I love you, Sarah. You set the standard for HGTV. I bet you were fun to hang out with, too You know, riding shotgun in your carriage.
So there you have it. None the wiser but with the knowledge that sleep-writing isn’t advisable either.