I love Gwenyth Paltrow. After watching Emma , I felt like we were soul sisters. After watching her play Sylvia Plath in Sylvia , I knew we were. I was legit fan girling over GP.
I really didn’t care that she was a little ( ok ,a lot ) pretentious and said things that irritated some people. Ok … MOST people When you name your kids Apple and Moses, you can do whatever you want
And she made divorce sound beautiful, perfect and not tragic – and not like divorce.
She called her and Chris Martin’s parting an “conscious uncoupling” … how absolutely gorgeous is that ?
Soooooo, evidently I’m a little bit of a hipster so I started reading about living clean and how GP changed her life with it.
Then I saw this .
I was intrigued by the title of this book.
(Spoiler Alert : She’s lying)
It’s exhausting , cumbersome and inconvenient. And …… it’s s ridiculous. Why can’t I have a little sugar? What’s wrong with my my diet? It’s perfect! I don’t eat sugar , but I want candy !!! Unlike Marie Antoinette, let ME eat cake!
I quickly became addicted to the thought of eating “clean” . But just the thought.
Doing it was hard. It mean’t dedication. And only included only unprocessed, organic food . I won’t lie. At first , I hated it. By the third week, I was gleefully eating kelp noodles and wheat grass and drinking Mamma Chia.
I felt better. I lost weight. I stopped taking antidepressants.* I started exercises for lymphatic drainage , detox baths, doing cleanses, infrared sauna, hydrotherapy. Anything to clear those toxins out. Because they are everywhere !
Then I had a meltdown. Seriously.
That’s me. A mess. Not even a hot one. My mom even thought I was a little crazy. My friends avoided me . I wasn’t much fun to anyone. All I wanted to talk about was how your diet can cure virtually every illness in the book. Alkaline and anti -inflammatory foods became my sole topic of discussion.
I didn’t leave the house. I just read about my toxic life.
It only got worse. Turns out, I was only living a lie. Because then, Gwyneth announced that I had missed something.
This was worse than I had imagined . My yoni wasn’t even safe. Wait, my what ? Why does it need to be steamed? That doesn’t sound like something I would ever do. But then I read the article and it weirdly made sense. I thought to myself “where would you find a place that does this ?”
I didn’t need to worry , they were everywhere. Just like toxins. Lurking , waiting, stalking , just biding their time until your adrenals were burnt out and your precious lymphs were congested with poison.
Then bam! You were fat, sick and miserable with only big Pharma as your friend.
There was even a YouTube tutorial on how to do it yourself -WHAT ?!?!!
No, I haven’t done it.
I’m not crazy.
But then I saw the one on jade eggs.
OMFG …..I didn’t watch either of these because I can’t even follow the makeup tutorials. I mean I can’t even come close to contouring …how could I steam my own vagina or stick dino eggs up there?!???!I can’t even.
I needed a break. Something was amiss.
I needed psychological help. So did my family.
I’m going to have a drink and a cigarette like my queen Gwenyth does, ponder life and write poetry.No wonder I love her.
Celebrities… they are just like us !!!!!
*Do not follow my advice. NEVER do what I did.You should never stop taking medication abruptly and without medical advice.