The almost total eclipse

The date is somewhere before the beginning of life on our planet and somewhere after the death of intelligent life on our planet.

Starting at 6:00 am I did yoga while drinking coffee, fed the dog,drank more coffee , contemplated the meaning of life and eradicated world hunger .  I know, right … Sometimes I even amaze myself.

I read my newsfeed because I don’t want to be the only person who doesn’t know who Trump fired from his staff,  who North Korea is threatening next and who Taylor Swift is dating this week.

I know what you are thinking. How can anyone be so perfectly adept at handling the stresses of life without missing a beat?

I pride myself on multitasking so I already knew that Taylor Swift had all of her social media and and posted a cryptic message somewhat akin to hieroglyphics on Twitter before signing off .

The Total Eclipse of Taylor Swift had a sad amount of mascara, eyeliner and awful makeup. It also wasted precious minutes of my life while I obsessed over the million dollar question . All the while keeping a ridiculous amount of fangirls ,haters and everyone (except for my mother and husband)talking.

For those who live in a cave, under a rock or were raised by wolves; Taylor Swift is the most amazing, beautiful serial dater who also sings the songs that she writes about the ones who piss her off.

My feed had been blowing up with the mysterious doings of T. Swift and her posse. One of her people made a quite obscurely vague comment of how “she was definitely up to something.”

Clearly I wasn’t ready to be part of the Swiftie Squad.
Then as swiftly as Kim Kardashian’s sex tape accidentally leaked all over the internet, CHAOS broke loose.

Evidently those in the know …knew exactly what was up.

So when my daughter called, she got really lucky.  I  had already had a pot of coffee and even read the big news .  I still was so perplexed about why anyone cared about Taylor Swift. She  let me in on the inner secrets of the fan girl obsessed world.  She was so excited about this epic event that I was slightly alarmed.

When I killed my Facebook, no one noticed. Guess it’s different when you are the phenonemom known as T. Swift  because it means everything….

Because now there is the theory that a new album is about to be dropped ..Suddenly, the Swifties have concluded that it will happen on August 21st and the new release will be uniquely named Eclipse.

In later news:

https://goo.gl/aw58f9

Taylor Swift Eclipsing the Eclipse Is the Ultimate Power Move – Zimbio

Dr. Stephen Hawking said he wasn’t aware that TS had fully developed this technology. President Trump remarked that he hoped she didn’t sell it to North Korea.

Panic at the Cardio

Scene: At the hospital. Waiting on calcium cardiac score test .  I down the last of my vodka with just a splash of OJ.  Just kidding.  I always put it in my coffee.
I’m not having the test . I should have specified that from the beginning. It’s my husband that’s having it.
My husband is the only one who has ever had one besides …everyone else who has ever had one. Naturally, we are terrified.
He is not a happy camper. He is grumpy. Oh wait… that’s putting it nicely. He’s not in a good mood. See how charitable I’m being? He is really ,really HORRIBLE.  AND….
Suddenly I can’t read. That’s what he said.
I was illiterate . His words exactly.
It’s not even my fault that google maps took us to the United Way , this was obviously not the hospital .I know I put the correct address in.  I  just put on my best “bless your heart” face and do some imaginary yoga.
The reason for my sugar sweet demeanor was not because that is my normal . I don’t like being fake nice . Because that is ugly . God knows what I’m really thinking and he doesn’t like hypocrites. At least I think he doesn’t.
I’m keeping it calm because he doesn’t need to be stressed out more than he already is. I feel his pain on a cellular level.
Secretly I worry and blame myself for any and all issues regarding his health and sanity.
Because I (might )be this .
Maybe.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=extra&utm_source=search-action
One day of PMS induced ridiculousness might look like this:
“I didn’t get my chia infused mess of a shake this morning because it looked like tiny flies. When I soaked them in my home brew of cashew/ coconut honeydeliciousness, they resembled maggots. Also, I’m bloated… I look like a weather balloon.
I’m starving, like really , really starving because I refused to eat fast food  this morning. 
I will starve before I put some soy/soylent green mix of cardio hating , fat induced preservative , sodium- ridden guilt complex into my body . Just like I’m not ever ( well ,hardly ever)drinking just any bottled water ( alkalinity over acidic always ) and I would NEVER ,EVER ,EVER drink just  any beer. Like it has to be a really perfect gose, berliner weisse, farmhouse ……nauseum
Back to my whining.
Existentially  , I am just supposed to be silent, present and all knowing. Basically just like God.  The three O”s . I remember them like a chant from Christian school . Omnipotent,  omnipotent and omnipresent. I don’t say a word. That was really hard.
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