Basic AF

My 21 year -old daughter said she liked my snarky but painfully honest advice posts and thought they were funny. She said this while sober, so I believe her.

Since she is always sober, it is not just a detox moment. Since I’m adept at dishing out the advice that I have no intention of supping upon, I feel like I have found my niche. Granted that I take such praise from my child with a grain of salt along with tequila and lime.

In stressful situations, I like to get into character and act like certain protagonists, antagonists or both. In this case, Mrs. Bennet, of Pride and Prejudice fame seems appropriate. Because in the world of Victorian rom-com, Jane Austen is queen. That is, she would be if Elizabeth Bennett allowed it. There isn’t an exchange where I don’t have some harsh words for her entire family, friends and those unfortunate people that have to listen to her. I’m not a fangirl. But It’s fun to think how she would handle a perturbing situation. So the week before, I was anticipating the arrival of my daughter and her bestie /college roommate for a visit. I had explicitly told Rowen no when she asked if it was okay to bring Alice, their cat. The reasons are simple and included that her dad doesn’t care for cats. I like them but I’m allergic to them and our dog hates other animals.

I thought I was clear on this. Rowen said she would make other arrangements for Alice, who she lovingly calls my grandcat. I have no idea how that works. So I put this out of my mind and congratulated myself on my good parenting skills. Fast forward to the day my daughter and her college roommate arrive to spend a few days with the family. Clearly, I underestimated her.

On Thursday, I’m excited to see them both. I think nothing about Rowen calling to ask that I put Leah( my sweet, very enthusiastic Corgi ) in the backyard so they can bring their suitcases inside without her running out the door. This is a very practical and responsible request and I dutifully fulfill it. I prematurely congratulate my daughter for adulting .

Both girls pull up and I go outside to see if help is needed unloading the van. “

The doors of the van are barely open when I hear this:

“Meowwww . Meowwwwww”.

I sense that something is amiss. Imagine my startled face when I was face to face with the cat named Alice. The very adorable fluffy feline that I instructed my child not to bring just last week.

In the flash it took me to realize that I wasn’t hallucinating, I regain composure. Kind of. Then I slip into Mrs. Bennett’s character and say:

”My darling daughter! I am speechless with joy that you have finally arrived to see your dearest mother and father. It seems ages ago that we last met!”

My daughter is equally pleased to see me as well and prattles on about trivial matters. Anna, the bestie, and roommate of my precious offspring kiss my cheek and steps back eying me cautiously.

”But what is that horrid thing that is yowling so miserably? I’m certain my poor nerves can’t have such hideous noise to vex me! And your much-burdened father! I’m in terror and rightly so of his own suffering from the screaming beast,“ I say mournfully.

”But mama, we had to bring her. She is a good girl and you won’t even know she’s here. She’s the sweetest cat ever, ” Rowen says .

With that one statement, she thrusts the cat into my arms. I ask for my fainting couch. Just kidding. I’m too covered in the fur cat named after a vampire in Twilight.

” Oh dearest child you know I cannot deny you anything but you have defied my wishes and your father will be most displeased. I am not pleased with this arrangement and we will speak about it later. Your father is not of a disposition that is fond of cats. You may explain yourself to him , ” I say in a huff .

Meanwhile, I’m trying to avoid the discovery of Alice by my husband. I fail in part by not having a good poker face. And then there’s Alice who refuses to comply.

She howls, meows and cries until she is picked up. What a diva. I sigh . She is really cute .

Leah my roly-poly ,sweetheart corgi is frantic and wants to know what that horrible noise is behind door number three. It’s not a new car though. It’s acrazy cat who is doing a great job of making her presence known.

Fast forward to bedtime and the cats out of the bag. Literally. Leah is in her bed until she hears the cat. Then whines until I get up and open the bedroom door. I’m thinking she needs water as is her nightly routine.

As soon as the door opens I hear a whimper. Leah is cowering in the hallway and Alice is on the opposite side with back arched. Both are not really sure what’s next. I’m terrified that the fur is going to fly.

”Girls, girls! Come quickly! I tell you there is no time to dally as a momentously devastating issue is unfolding! Oh, Why is the cat roaming around the great hall? The hound is going to kill her! Hurry and save it before I witness the death of a sweet gentle cat, it ruins the new floors and wakes your father up, ” I cry .

Needless to say, nothing of the sort happened and the cat is still alive and loudly announcing her countenance. Back in her own home. My dog is doing very well since she is once again the queen of her palace.

My husband is very pleased that Alice has left the building.

The end.

All pictures courtesy of Pixabay and credited as such.